Chance or Choice?
by Karla3
Summary: In the midst of a personal crisis, Squall finds an abandoned two year old girl. Will he keep her or cast her away? She ends up changing his life more than anyone could have imagined.
1. Chapter I

**_Chance or Choice?_**

_Chapter I_

~

_Diary of Squall Leonheart_

_September 30th_

Why must I be put to the test of Life? My aim was to live normally. That means get married, live in a nice home in Balamb, get a car, pay taxes…maybe have a kid. That is a definite maybe. It depends on the wife. I was ready to make the commitment. I was ready to begin living a normal life. I wanted to start heading in the direction that my family, and so far myself, never did. But such big decisions always have their problems. Because…

She didn't.

By saying _she_, I'm meaning Rinoa Heartily. I thought _she_ was my match. I thought we would live _happily ever after_ in that normal life I'm so happy to keep mentioning. But I was wrong. Obviously saving her life _countless_ times, and might I remind you, that includes jumping out into space for her, flying around on a …Galbadian thing…to save her from the side of a mobile Garden and fighting an evil sorceress to get her out. These are just some of the things I did for her. I bet not once did she ever look back and think…maybe he really cares for me? Is _that_ why he kept saving me all those times?

The day she left…I wanted to die. I cried so hard that my eyes felt like bleeding. I wanted them to bleed. I wanted to rip them out and…never mind. Going crazy again. She left me a note on the dresser. It was a sweet note…but that's not the point.

_Squall,_

_I'm sorry I'm doing this to you. But there are some things in my life that are not yet sorted and I want to get everything in perspective. My father has agreed to help me learn a little about my past. I can't let this opportunity down. He is going to tell me about my mother and my past friends…I will finally know who my father is. I need to do this alone. It's…a self-discovery thing for me. I can only hope you'll understand. And when I return to you, whenever it may be…you will still be waiting. I'm leaving you the house and everything in it. Continue to live life without me. _

_With love always,_

_Rinoa._

If you look back on that letter…note...thing…you'll see the exact phrase…_I'm leaving you._

How could she expect me to wait for her? Didn't she know how much I needed her? Right now? Right then? Yes we had a home. A very nice three-bedroom home in Balamb. We had already begun living the normal life…minus the marriage and the kid. As I said before…I was ready. She wasn't.

Well I'm _not_ waiting around.  I'm hurting too badly inside…

Rinoa never rang me, sent me a letter…emailed me or even bothered to leave a message with someone to let me know where she was and how she was doing. I still care. I still care about _her_. But she's not letting me show it. I want to be friends. I want to hold her hand and show her the way.

Oh forget it.

I'll never be able to do that. I'll never be the man she wants me to be. _I'm still a boy_. Oh can't you just imagine me rolling my eyes now? 

Did she just think that just because she needed to get her life together…that I didn't? I was in such a bad state then too. I needed her. I didn't want to be left alone again. The past events of my life were happening all over again. And I bet she didn't even realize it.

Well it didn't matter. It doesn't matter. Things are going to change. Maybe I will end up lonely and confused. Some poor beggar on the street because I couldn't,  _' Get my act together' _and had to be kicked out of SeeD. 

Well Miss Heartily. I will have my normal life. I will fall in love again, get married, keep my home and have a kid! Well…the kid is still a maybe. My life will change, and it will be for the good…so look out!

Oh, and another one of those questions of life. Why is the heart the main object of love…when the liver is obviously the more attractive organ?

~

_Diary of Squall Leonheart_

_October 3rd_

Wow. I think I should go to Esthar and show Dr. Odine my latest invention. I have figured out how to turn ordinary water in foam…

It's easy. All you do is get coffee grains and mix it in with the water. Then whack a powerful hand blender, set it to _aerate_ and…. its magic. Instant coffee foam. 

No I'm not going crazy…it's probably just another early midlife crisis. Again. For the fifth time…

I suggested to the headmaster that he could try sending high-ranking SeeD's on missions more regularly. I think he got the hint though. Because he smiled and said to me, 

" No I think your fine working here for the moment Squall, I'll be sending you out on a mission as soon as I get confirmation on the acceptance to use the Esthar Lunar Base as grounds for our next SeeD training area"

Yeah yeah…whatever. 

Quistis is going to take me to Trabia. We're meeting the rest of 'the gang' there. Selphie wants to teach us how to ski and Irvine wants to give me hints on making a girl wear very revealing bikini outfits in the winter snow. Not a handy skill if I say so myself.

But I'll give the guy a chance. Zell…well Zell is just Zell. He's probably going to try out their hotdogs in Trabia Garden. I suppose going on a holiday will be better then turning water into coffee foam. 

Oh Yeah, Trabia Garden is re built. Did I miss out that detail? Sorry…

Anyway, I need to get back to my life now; I can't revolve around a book full of paper. Sorry again if that was offensive. Besides, there's someone at the door. Probably Quistis. Here to lecture me on going outdoors more.

Bye…Ha! I'm saying goodbye to a piece of paper…Okay okay, I'm sorry.  

~

Diary of Squall Leonheart  October 6th 

I hope this diary entry makes it into the ginuis book of records for being the shortest entry…

I found a frozen packet of mint peas in the back of the freezer. The use-by date was the 5th of August…last year.

Enough said, I need to clean my house a little. 

(No, the entire story will NOT be a diary entry. Just every now and then I put in Squall's diary entries) 


	2. Chapter II

**_Chance Or Choice?_** Chapter II " Okay…Squall? Did you get the last message? Are you still there…" 

" Yes I'm still here Irvine. Message received and understood. I'll be back at Garden at 1600 hours. Out"

I clipped my radio back at my belt and laid back on the ground. Irvine had been calling me and nagging me and begging me to come back. You see, I was supposed to be in a meeting right now. A meeting with the head of the Esthar Lunar Base. But just before I let anyone know about this, I decided to run to off to the forest and tell them all that I was retrieving another female T-Rexuar for the training center. I didn't want to go to the meeting. It was boring. I dint like boring things, obviously, so I left it all in Irvine's hands.

Quistis couldn't do it, because she was in Winhill helping the civilians sort out some sort of a patrol the SeeD's could do to help with monster extermination. Zell and Selphie were in Esthar doing a monster list…and I was here, so Irvine had to do it.

He's a big boy now, he can deal with it. 

Sitting back up, I decided that I had better return to Garden with a female T-Rexuar to help out with my story. So I stood up, stretched and began walking. The temperature had suddenly dropped by about fifteen degrees since I had come here and I found myself wandering around the forest to anywhere, pulling my long jacket more closely around myself. 

When I finally accepted my fate and agreed to stay in command of the SeeD's, (that's the acting Commander, not headmaster, thank heavens) I thought I would be out in the action! Fighting with the new recruits and watching over the SeeD exams. I would be able to travel to more remote places and hunt down some strangely named monster and capture it alive, with some sort of a heroic struggle.

But no.

I was the person that sat in the headmaster's office every day sorting through SeeD reports and filing away clients papers and deciding which ones to ignore. Of course, I still got sent out on missions, but it was never enough. I had special needs. I had to be out there risking my life and saving babies from monster created fires. Damn this job. Damn it to hell! Well not literally.

I had considered that maybe I would make a good apple farmer. I had looked at a brochure while visiting Winhill. And I found out that it looked quite interesting. But imagine this, a SeeD Commander retires early to become apple farmer…it wasn't going to look good. So I dismissed it as being a _'flying interest'_. 

I was brung out of my reminiscing when I tripped over an enormously obvious log lying in the middle of the path.

"Aaah!…oof" I landed face first on the ground and pushed myself back up. I dusted off and looked around. Oh sure, maybe a Caterchipillar would suddenly come out of the bushes and start laughing its stupid head off. Yeah, real smooth. My radio was making annoying scratching sounds. You know the sound when you have a lot of interference? I took it off again and turned the switch to _'Squelch' _Happy with my progress I continued. 

In the distance I heard a low grumbling sound and poked my head though some thick undergrowth. The sound stopped and I rolled my eyes, exasperated, I stepped back. The branches I had been holding came straight back and whacked me in the face. Quite taken by surprise, I stumbled backwards and fell. I landed with a 'Thud' on my back and groaned. This day was not turning out to be very free. I was in the right mind to turn back and go to that boring meeting.

But then…

Was that giggling? I could have almost sworn I heard someone giggling. I had no idea monsters could giggle. And they all knew who I was, and had seen my Gunblade. They knew better than to mock me! But that wasn't a monster giggle. It was human giggle.

Either that, or I was going crazy.

I decided that I had gone crazy. I stood up again. Continuing on, I heard the distinct sound of T-Rexuar, screaming out to the sky. I smiled to myself and quickened my pace. 

I was not going to go back to Garden empty handed. 

I came to a mosquito infested area of water and knelt down by the edge. A fallen tree was lying in the middle of the water and various strange creatures were crawling in and out of it. The T-Rexuar was around here somewhere…

I grinned and sprung up, hiding behind a tree. I pulled an imaginary radio from my pocket and pushed myself up against the tree. 

" I have no visual of the enemy yet…but I can feel its presence" I cut the radio out and waited. I made up a muffled reply. " We copy that sir. Keep looking" 

"Will do!"

I was acting so childish. My old games of playing 'War' had come back to me these past couple of months and somehow I had transformed back into a little six year old all over again. 

I held my imaginary machine gun close to my chest and crawled along the ground. I was careful to stay away from the water. I described the water at my radio as being, _' a biohazard'_. With my new army skills, I darted up from the ground and hid behind a berry bush. I whispered my location into my pretend radio and waited.

A small female T-Rexuar (just my luck!) trudged in from the undergrowth. She smelt the air and then, sensing someone near her, lurked over towards my position.

" The enemy has sniffed me out…I'm going in" I whispered. My heroic plan I had formulated in my head, came into play. 

From my hiding spot I jumped out and ran to her left side.  She lazily screeched at me in annoyance and tried to snap at me with undeveloped teeth. 

"Ha!"

I unsheathed my blade and waved it around like a menace. She stepped back a few paces and roared at me. Unnerved, I cast my hand forward and concentrated.

"Sleep!!"

The spell wove its way over to her. She stopped in mid roar and waved around slightly…then hit the deck. Her limp body laid on the ground, her breathing steady. I smiled at my mission. Complete. 

" The hero returns with his prize…"  I whispered. I unconsciously chuckled and started wrapping a piece of rope around her jaws. When I had secured her legs, arms and jaws I threw the rope over my shoulder and stalked off into the wilderness. I saw a Bite Bug looking my way. It was about to advance…but when it saw my precious cargo, it decided against the idea and buzzed off.

I was almost out of the forest when I saw a little clearing with a small stream. I stopped by it and washed my face off. It was cool and refreshing. My T-Rexuar began to stir and move around a bit. I decided to get on my way so I turned around to re secure it.

" Agee"

My eyes lit up and spun around. I had no idea monsters said 'Agee'.

" Agee!"

It wasn't a monster. It was kid. Someone else was here in the forest. I just couldn't _see_ anyone. 

" Hello? Who's' there?"

" Agee! Agee! Agee!"

What the hell was going on? I looked everywhere around me but I still couldn't see anyone. So I walked through the little stream and strained my eyes to see anything out of the ordinary.

" There you are…"

She was sitting on a fallen tree. Looking up at me with big, curious green eyes. Her enormous smile increased and she began giggling. That giggle. I had heard it earlier on…

" Hey there…what are you doing out here?"

I crouched down to her eye level and reached my hand out. Her long blonde hair was all tangled and full of twigs and leaves. Her once blue dress had been smudged with dirt stains and soaking wet. It was sad really, she only looked to be around two…maybe three, years old. Despite her current position, she looked as happy as a button.

" Come over here"

She stepped up and walked over to me. Bending down to my eye level, she grinned in a mischievous way and then…she jumped up like a three-foot frog and wrapped her tiny little arms around me. I fell backwards and landed on my back, with her still hugging me and lying on top of my chest. 

I sighed and lifted myself to a sitting position. 

**_Author's Scribbles: _**_Yippee! Please please review! It means a lot. I need the feedback. This could be an eventual Squinoa…what do you think?_


	3. Chapter III

**_Chance or Choice?_**

Chapter III

**_"A child is a reflection _**

**_Of what we wanted in our youth_**

**_Giving us a chance to return_**

**_To the days of old…" -Dan.S_**

* * *

_Diary of Squall Leonheart October 16th_

Guess what? Something exciting happened today. No I didn't admit to myself that I went insane three months ago and it still takes me ten minutes to cook two-minute noodles. I still hate cats and I can't cook, even it were to save my very own soul…

I found a two year old girl, abandoned in the forest.

Oh yes, very ordinary.

I brought her to Garden, where she is in the care of the doctor at the Infirmary. Yes, it was a little strange for me, walking through the Garden holding a little girl who looked as if she had been the survivor of another sorceress war. I received quite a few odd looks. But…she is a _little_ adorable. She has these really big green eyes, she very tiny and messy blonde hair. She's maybe too tiny, her wrists are as small as the new bullets I bought for my Gunblade last weekend…and let me tell you; these bullets are very high quality. Expensive but very effective. I tried them out once at the Training Center a little while back and…wow…they were amazing. Except for the bit when I almost hit Quistis while she was teaching a few new cadets… Lets just say, they made my trip to the forest to get another T-Rexuar pointless…if you know what I mean.

Anyway, back to the girl. When I found her I looked around the entire forest for her parents or guardians or just anyone who was with her. But I found no one. The doctor said it's a real possibility she was dumped. Which I think I believe myself…

So she said she'd keep me posted. I'm planning on visiting her later on today. Anyway, the vacation to Trabia went well. Besides the fact that I almost broke my arms when I was caught in a mini avalanche and fell into a six-foot pit. I noticed how the signing around the area was very poor, like the pit; there was a sign next to it saying, "Bottomless Pit, Six foot deep" How strange. Irvine ended being mobbed by a group of very angry women and Quistis was attacked by an overprotective group of female raccoons. Zell…well he just managed to stay out of trouble and laugh at us. Selphie was going to take some ski instructor to court for 'not being cute enough like all those other ones' and again, I was almost eaten by a loose Behemoth that ran down the side of the mountain, screaming at all the tourists and eating every ice cream it could lay its claws on.

I swear, I've run over black cats that were luckier than me.

* * *

_Squall P.O.V_

As I made my way over to the Infirmary, I noticed how the P.A system kept demanding that I go see Doctor Kadowaki and assist her with a troublesome patient. But I figured, because I'm already on the way, It doesn't matter. So you can guess that when I got there…the staff looked a little bit pissed at me.

" Go into room three"

I smiled and pretended to tip my imaginary hat at the nurse and walked past, in room three I saw the kind doctor trying desperately to keep a little girl from running out the door and maybe demanding a court order to have her fired. So…the troublesome patient was the little girl I found today.

" Squall can you please try talking to her!"

I nodded and walked to the side of the bed. The screaming two year old stopped her tantrum immediately and looked up at me with huge watery eyes.

" A – agee!"

" What?" I asked. She started to sniff and stood up. In the same motion, she wrapped her little arms around my neck. Her eyes swelled up, hurt and afraid.

" She's been a screaming wreck this whole time. She doesn't want to speak to any of the staff. She doesn't want to eat anything we give her and somehow you're the first person she's actually trusted so far" Kadowaki said, sitting down. She took her glasses off and rubbed her eyebrows. " Maybe you can stay here with her for a while until she calms down"

I nodded and sat down. The girl came with me and sat on my lap. I rolled my eyes and put my feet up. This was going to be a long day. That was when I also noticed she was still wearing the grubby blue dress I found her in.

" Why haven't you guys changed into a cleaner…anything?"

" We tried…we really did"

"Oh, she didn't let you?"

" No, she just wouldn't stop moving around and screaming her head off. We would need to secure her to get her dressed, and if we tried to do that, we'd would most likely hurt her. She's in a very fragile state right now"

True. I shrugged and strapped my attention back to the grubby thing in my lap. She almost looked cute…and she was falling asleep too. I had to stop myself from saying, _"Aww…"_

The doctor got a purple thing off a desk and threw it over to me. I caught it, mid air, and looked at it.

" This belongs to one of the nurses. It's just a very old sleeping shirt. It can be used for our new patient for now. By the way, she needs a name. We'll just call her Number One for now. But you can choose her name later. Just get her dressed and into bed, asleep"

I nodded as she left the room and picked _'number one' _up, placing her on the bed. I lifted the blue dress over her head and slipped the purple shirt on her. It just looked like a very big shirt on her. There was a really neat picture on it too…a fish with a fishing rod.

How ironic.

She crawled under the sheets and cuddled up close to the pillow. All the while, keeping her eyes on me. I grinned and reached for the bed light.

" Good night number one"

" Nigh nigh!" She whispered. I couldn't help but smile and switched the light off.

So maybe this was a little strange. I knew that somehow, things wouldn't be the same around here for a while. I hoped desperately that she would warm up to the nurses because if she didn't I would have to be in their 24/7. As I looked back into her room, as she slept, a part of me really didn't mind.

When I was out of the Infirmary and back in the parking lot, I leaned back in my car and closed my eyes. There was no point going home tonight, the drive would be too long. Besides, I wanted to see number one when I got up tomorrow. So I made a quick make shift bed out of my front seat and fell asleep.


	4. Chapter IV

**_Chance or Choice?_**

**__**

Chapter IV 

Squall P.O.V 

" Hey Squall! Look at this!" 

I spun around and looked over to where she was calling. She was standing on a high platform, surrounded by thousands of people. I had never seen her look so beautiful, in her violet silk dress. I smiled and waved.

" Rinoa! You look beautiful…" 

" Thankyou Squall, bye now" 

I looked puzzled. What was she talking about? She turned to the audience and began to smile and wave, like a celebrity. Her hair wove around in the air like smoke and her dress trailed behind her as she walked. Everything became fuzzy and distant.

" Rinoa wait! Please don't go!" 

She faded out of sight and…I jumped up, hitting my head on the revision mirror.

"Ow!" Just another lousy dream. Why couldn't I stop thinking about her? That dream had just confirmed everything. She had obviously forgotten about me. I checked my watch…six thirty two…no, six thirty three. I put my jacket back on and stepped out of the car. I made sure I didn't look like an old sea sailor back from a month on board the S.S Liki, and walked to the Infirmary. Maybe number one would still be asleep. 

Selphie was in the waiting room. She hopped up when she saw me and walked right over. She was beaming proudly over something. 

" Heya Squall! Xu said to tell you she has some sort of really important thing to tell you, but I'm not supposed to know because…uh…I don't know. But hey, it's probably just cos you'll get angry and call in sick for the next few months when you hear what it is…phew" She sighed dramatically and grinned.

" Well done Selphie, perfectly performed speech" 

She beamed proudly, once again, and leaned over to me. " I hear you found someone in the forest last night…wanna tell me about it?"

" Yeah, it was a little girl. I don't know how old she is, but the doctor thinks she was abandoned…that's all I know"

" Oh! How sweet!"

" Yeah I guess…I'm on my way to see her now, wanna come?"

"Sure!" She half squealed and followed me inside. The doctor approached and grinned widely. For a moment she looked just like my grandma would if she was about to pursue an enormous, deathly, hug.

" Squall, so glad you came, and Selphie" She led us both to number one's room and let us in. " She's still sleeping, I think it would be better if she saw you when she woke up" She reminded me. I shrugged and stepped inside. Number one was on her side, clutching the pillow with her face almost completely buried in it. I almost smiled.

" She…is…so…cute!" Selphie whispered. Resisting the urge to run up and squeal in happiness. I walked over to the little girl in amongst all the sheets and tapped her on the shoulder. She stirred slightly and rolled over. Her eyes blinked open and a grin began to spread on her face.

" Agee…" She said in between a yawn.

" Yeah yeah" I replied. Selphie winked over at me and walked out, just as the doctor came in. "We were able to confirm a few things…" She said.

" Oh?"

" She's definitely two. Most likely her second birthday has come and gone, so maybe its sometime in March. She doesn't respond to anyone but you and her speech is very flawed. Whoever her parents were…they weren't prepared to be parents. She's had no real life skill training at all"

" What about medical?"

" She was pretty dehydrated when you brought her in and she needs a little bit of meat on her. I think we just need to give her plenty of healthy meals, vitamins and watch over her" 

" That sounds okay" 

" Squall I'll need for you to give her a quick bath, you can use the bathroom in the private room to your right, no ones in it at the moment. I put some clothes for her on the sink"

With that said, she exited and continued her daily duties. Grumbling, I turned back to number one and picked her up, I held her in my arms like I saw all mums hold their toddlers and stalked off into the next room. She quite liked being carried around and giggled.

" Don't get used to it…" I mumbled.

In the next room I put number one in the bath and from experience she undressed herself and threw her nightshirt on the ground. I rolled my eyes and picked up some 'Kids Bubble Bath' that was sitting on the table. I poured some into the bath and turned the cold water tap on. She started giggling with hysterics and running around, splashing water all over me.

" Sit down!…arrg!…I'm soaked…" I picked up a spare towel and attempted to dry myself off. She took a lot of pleasure in this and splashed me even more, saturating the towel..

" This means war" I smiled mischievously and picked up a squeezy toy. I filed it with water and fired. I sprayed her right in the face and she slipped back and splashed back in the water. She resurfaced laughing her head off and started catapulting water at me in handfuls. I shielded myself from her with a kidney dish. 

~

After much fighting and usage of kid's shampoo I walked out of the bathroom with a very clean two year old wrapped up in a pink towel. She walked out of the room and back into hers. I followed with my own bundle of towels that I was using to dry myself. I put her new clothes on the bed. She jumped up and sat there still while I dried her off.

When she was all clothed in a cute outfit, ( a brown lacy skirt and a pink t-shirt that said 'God Made Me To Annoy My Dad' and some white sneakers) I took her to see the doc.

As soon as she saw the doctor…she started to cry. This wasn't just a little cry, it was enormous. She grabbed onto my leg and started howling and screaming. I leant down and gave her hug.

" Hey…its okay" She settled down a bit and the doctor bent down and whispered to me.

" Take her to her room then come and see me, I'll give you some instructions"  I quickly agreed and took her back. 

And so there I was, later on that day at about eight at night, at home, sitting at the table looking very tired. I was in the right mind to fall asleep then and there, resting my head on the table.

But I heard a very loud knock at the door and, " Hey Squally! Let us in!"

I put on my brave face and answered the door. " Selph, Irvine, Quisty, Zell…nice to see you all"

" Yo Squall, we just thought a visit might help man" Zell said, as the gang let themselves in. " Yeah, and to catch up the goss!" Selphie squealed. Quistis rolled her eyes and smiled. " We heard about that little girl you found"

Selphie jumped onto her usual beanbag, Zell sat on the couch behind her, Irvine sat next to Selphie and Quistis walked into the kitchen. Irvine handed me a beer from his little bag and I sat next to Zell, he grabbed a beer from Irvine and the three of us cracked em open.

" So" Quistis said from the kitchen " Tell us the news" Selphie moved around to face me. I felt a little awkward with everyone staring. " Urm…well I was doing that mission for the T-Rexuar retrieval and I found a two year old their…she was alone, so I took her back to Garden"

Lame…lame….lame.

" And…" Irvine pressed. I frowned. " That's it…"

Selphie rolled her eyes. " Aw…she was so cute. I saw her this morning…what's her name?"

" Number one"

All activity was silenced. Quistis walked out of the kitchen and raised an inquisitive eyebrow. 

" Number one?!" She gasped, almost non believing. 

" You _have _to give her a real name" Selphie gasped, shaking her head. 

" Yeah, something without numbers" Zell added. I looked over at them all one by one. If they wanted her to have a name, the by my own surname, she will have a name by the end of this night!

" Alright then…any suggestions?"

" Selphie!"

" Quistis!"

" Cutie pie!"

" Snuggles!"

I held my hands out. " Whoa now! Slow down. No…no…absolutely not and hell no. How about we just…Uh…"

Zell helped me out. " Tell us what she looks like, that way we can think of a name to suit her"

"Yeah!" Selphie squealed. (She likes to squeal) " Like people with big noses and scruffy black hair are called names like Harry or Nathan!"

" Right…well number one has blonde hair, big green eyes and she's real small"

We sat in silence for a while. Then Quistis put a thought forward. " I think Natasha or Paige would suit her…"

Selphie and Zell both shook their heads. " No…Paige is a name for a brunette and Natasha is one for black hair"

"Oh…"

I sighed dramatically and downed the rest of my beer. She needed a name, fast. I didn't want to keep calling her _number one _and the way we were going, she would be named by Christmas. 

"Aw nuts…" I said. They all looked at me. " I forgot to go and see Xu…she had something important to tell me…oh well"

"Changing the subject" Quistis said, " We all know your not 'high and mighty' on housework Squall but…the house is really clean"

" Well…I finally came to my senses when I found a packet of mint peas in the freezer. The use by date was not user friendly" They all took their moment to absorb this with disturbed faces then returned to normal. Zell looked around for a moment.

" Uh…Squall man…where's all those books you had before?"

He was right. The two bookcases, one on the divider between the kitchen and lounge  room and one just to my right, were both empty. I gave most of it away to the old lady down my street and only kept the educational ones and SeeD references. Literature wasn't one of my departments. I just hadn't really gotten around to putting the books that were left back in.

" Got rid of most of em"

" Hmmm…okay"

Suddenly…this amazing thought came to me…I thought of a name! Woo-hoo!

"Hey guys…I know what to call her"

They all waited.

"Amy" 

A/N: No offence to those with the names Harry, Nathan, Paige and Natasha. Honestly. **_Updates will now be on the weekends or on Friday _**

**__**

**_AngeFantasy: _**_Thankyou sooo much! I loved your review! It made me feel special. __J__ Anyhow, What do you think of the name?_

**_Kupo: _**_It usually takes me 2o minutes because I forget about it then havta  heat it all back up again. Lol!. Yeah, she is pretty cute!_

**_The Angel of the Lion: _**_You're a great writer, I feel honored to have you reviewing my fics! Thankyou!_

**_Lunatic Pandora1: _**_Hey cool, thankyou._

**_Ethereal Moon: _**_Hey thankyou so much! Your review was so kind! And welcome to the Fanfiction community. _

**_FF9Zidane: _**_Aww…thanks! Your one of my favorite reviewers!_

**_Verdanii: _**_Yeah, it is a bit strange, but he's been through a few 'changes' recently, and he has a new look on life…heh…thanks! _


	5. Chapter V

**_Chance or Choice?_**

**__**

Chapter V 

To answer your question: The time from Rin's leaving to Squall finding Amy, was about four months. So yeah, Squall has been alone for four months.  FF9Zidane, Amy loved the cookie and the cake was just perfect! *Hugs AngeFantasy back* ^ ^

Throughout my dream, there was a constant loud, wailing noise. It was so loud and so constant that I was almost going insane. Also, the fact that no one but me could hear it! Frustrated, I tore myself from my sleep and woke to the piercing glare of the morning sun. I rolled over and turned my blaring alarm clock off. (The source of the noise) The phone beside me rang. I was hesitant to answer it at first, but I figured it might have been from Garden. 

" Mmm?" Was all I could manage. 

" Squall, this is Xu, I just want to let you know that there will be someone here to meet you today, at about noon"

" Hang on hang on…who is it and why"

" Didn't Selphie tell you about it yesterday?"

" No, she was told not to tell me, and I think she didn't even know herself" 

I could see a mental image of Xu rubbing her temple and sitting down. " Okay, just make sure you're here at the office soon, bye" She hung up.

I slouched back into bed and decided to get another few more minutes of shuteye.

~

At Garden, I stopped by the Infirmary first. Doctor Kadowaki was in number one's room. I could tell from all the screaming coming from that way. Every nurse I passed pointed to the room, begging that I _sort her out_. 

Just as I had guessed, the doctor was there, trying the calm a very tear stained girl. I walked up bent down to her height.

" Hey"

She stopped crying and looked over at me. " Agee" She whispered. At this word she threw her arms around me in a tight embrace.

" Squall, I'm trying to give her a blood test"

" Why?"

" So I can try to match her to one of the students here. Maybe she was dumped by a cadet or SeeD"

I had to admit, the idea had come to me in some stage yesterday.

" Let me do it"

" Are you qualified?"

" Yeah yeah, I'm…qualified…level three medical certificate, that good enough?"

" No its fine" She handed me the syringe and the drip. I let _Amy _lay back on the bed. She sniffled a bit and cowered in fear when she saw what I was going to do. I started to put my gloves on. 

" I named her…"

" Oh really?"

" Yeah, _Amy_"

The doctor nodded and smiled in agreement. " I'll leave you to it then" She walked out, leaving me alone with Amy.

" Now just remember…I'm not going to hurt you" I put her arm out on the bed flat and spread some white paste over a small square on her wrist. I sealed it in with a clear plastic band-aid and left it. Hopefully it would reduce the pain. 

She sighed and looked out the window. " Irdies…"

" Hmm? Birdies?"

"…Irdies"

" Yeah…the birdies are nice aren't they?"

" Yay…goo irdies"

I nodded and looked outside too. A flock of white Gala looking things had flown by. I looked more deeply into the sky. I was looking for something.  I felt a pang of deep emotion flow into me and for a moment I…no…it wasn't real. I just didn't know what I was doing. Amy brought me back out of my state of mind.

" Agee?" She looked down to her arm. I shrugged. I guessed the anesthetic would be working fine now. I took off the band-aid and began my blood extraction…

~

 Later that day I walked briskly into Xu's office. She was seated as usual at her desk, writing up anything. I guessed it was the documents on the Esthar Lunar Base. She looked up when I entered and smiled.

" She'll be arriving soon"

" Hmm? She?"

" The Commander of Trabia Garden. Cindy Clease. She's going to be staying with us in Garden for a while so she can get used to the idea of being Commander. So I'm appointing you as her guide and tutor…as such"

I frowned. " Tutor?"

" Well…not really a tutor. I just want you to introduce her to the things you do here at Garden and have her accompany you when you oversea the next SeeD exam"

I shrugged. What harm could that do? Now I could teach someone the evil ways of my Commander duties…

I grinned, in my own evil thoughts. 

" Squall, I'll need you to draw up a time table of your day at Garden. It needs to be a weekly timetable and make sure you can change it when the need be. Get a copy and give it to her"

Simple enough. I fell back onto the couch, lining the room and laid down, my eyes scanned the ceiling and for a moment I looked over at Xu.

She had been appointed as Headmaster about a year ago. Cid decided to leave Garden in the hands of us SeeD's and hope to live the rest of his life with Edea. Every now and then he checks by and make sure everything is running smoothly. And of course, with Xu as headmaster (and me as Commander) everything is always fine. She does a good job of running this Garden. Much better than I could ever hope to do. 

The door opened to admit Quistis. She winked at me and handed a file to Xu.

" Laguna sent these by fax. He's confirmed that we can use the Lunar Base and all surrounding ground within a twenty mile radius"

" Thankyou Quistis, dismissed"

She saluted and joined me on the couch. " So how is our Commander doing?"

" He's doing fine" I replied. " In fact I hear he's doing just brilliant"

" Don't flatter yourself" She smirked.

I nodded and sarcastically replied. " Anything for you Miss Trepe" 

She took her glasses off and rubbed them with her shirt. " How is Amy?"

I smirked. Everyone wanted to know about that little bundle of joy. And the fact that she clung to _me_ was the most shocking. Of all people…

" I helped the doctor do a blood test. She's going to see if a student from the garden is a parent"

Quistis shrugged and put her glasses back on. " Yes…I suppose any student would dump a child to try and stay here. As soon as the DC found out, they would have them shipped out as fast you can say _motherhood_"

I nodded. The DC had recently been reformed and placed stricter rules. Originally, if a member of the Garden above 18 became pregnant, they were aloud to leave for a period of two months to give birth then return to Garden at their own will. Leaving the child in someone else's possession. But the new DC thought that was not tough enough. A military school should have stricter regulations on such a serious matter. " But what about instructors?" I asked.

Quistis thought on it for a while. " Well…one would think they would be on tougher restrictions. Most likely, they would receive a Tribunal"

Involuntarily, I shuddered. At that same instant, a tall young woman walked in, flanked by two other SeeD's. They all wore the traditional Trabia uniform. Xu looked up, smiling.

" Cindy, glad you could make it. How was the trip?"

I didn't listen to her reply. I was too intent on looking at _her. _Damn she was gorgeous. I couldn't help but just stare. My mind was thinking, Oh…My… - 

" Squall this Cindy…Cindy this is Squall. Our commander" 

Cindy Turned around and looked me dead in the eye. She extended her hand, smiling. Oh boy…if I was half asleep a few seconds ago then I was wide awake now. That smile…I could die in that…

" I suppose we'll be around eachother a lot more now then" She said. Hell yes. A LOT more…oh wait…answer! Say something!

" Yeah…I suppose…yeah…" I grinned, taking her hand and shaking it lightly. Dumbass…total dumbass. I mentally slapped myself.  She giggled and turned to Quistis. " Miss Trepe, its an honor"

" Thankyou Cindy" Quistis replied. I decided to redeem myself and stood up.

" Cindy, would you mind going on a tour? I usually do these types of things on a regular basis. A few of our people tend to get lost…despite how long they've been here" I said, with a wink at Quistis. She smiled and shook her head.

" You cease to amaze me Squall" She laughed. Cindy nodded her head enthusiastically.

" I would love to go on tour with you," She said. " But I hope I get my money's worth"

" Oh…you will" I linked my arm with hers and we walked out of the office. Behind me, both Xu and Quistis raised their eyebrows.

A/N: Notice how I continue to use the Esthar Lunar Base in this? It could be of some importance later on….hmm…

Thankyou all so much for reading this. Your wonderful comments have kept me writing. Expect more next week! By the way, DC = Disciplinary Committee. 


	6. Chapter VI

Disclaimer: I own Final Fantasy 8. What…you didn't know? *Stunned face* 

**__**

**__**

**_Chance or Choice?_****__**

**__**

_Chapter V1_

**_Because I can't hold on when I'm stretched so thin  
I make the right moves but I'm lost within   
I put on my daily facade but then   
I just end up getting hurt again_**

****

_-Linkin Park_

~

"So…how's my girl?"

Rinoa spun around to confront the newcomer and almost squealed in happiness. 

"James!" She ran up to him and squeezed him into an enormous bear hug. She was a midget compared to his six foot monstrous frame and he easily picked her up off the ground. Ruffling his long blonde hair on her way down she stepped back to study him.

"You look great James. A lot older than I remember you"

"You too. You're gorgeous!"

 She held her breath at the sudden compliment and kept her cool. "Oh…thank you, but don't start flattering me, I've already had enough of that from my father today"

He threw his head back and laughed. Despite knowing what they were laughing about she joined in and held onto his hand. "Tell me, what brings you here to the Caraway Mansion?"

"Well Louise is kind of sick with the flu so she decided I could go around and visit the relatives"

"That sounds nice. Come on, I'll show you to my father. I'm sure he'll be so happy to see you" Still holding his hand, they walked down the corridor in silence. 

..~**~..

This morning was going to be different. I could smell it in the air when I walked out of the house this morning. I could feel it when I drove into Garden today. And I could hear it when I walked into the infirmary. Again Amy had gone on her daily screaming marathon and nearly all the staff had gone deaf. 

So perhaps it was going to be the usual day. But I could only dream.

"Hi how are you this fine morning Squall?" Doctor Kadowaki asked, smiling a little too much. "I bet you can't wait to see Amy again and stay with her for…oh I don't know…a few hours?"

"No can do. I'll see her though, but then I have some very important Commander duties to get back to. You know, like paperwork and Trabian visitors" I walked into Amy's room as I spoke and instantly, bam, the noise stopped. A very tear stained little girl jumped off her bed to greet me.

"Agee…"

"Hi Amy. Sleep well?"

"Well I'll leave you two alone. But make sure you see me when you're done"

"Sure…so…had much fun lately?"

She stared at me rather confused and pulled her blanket off the bed. She pointed to it and put it on my lap. 

"You have to say it if you want me to do anything"

Again she pointed to it, rather frustrated and stamped her foot.

"Translation?"

"Agee…" She whined. "Agee go dere!" She pointed to the bed and made a huffing noise. I was totally missing the point and grown ups were obviously not her forte. Reluctantly I took the blanket with me and sat on the edge of the bed. She seemed satisfied enough and jumped up next to me. Some how she managed to coil up next to me in a depression of blankets and closed her eyes. In the next few moments she was sound asleep.

"That was weird" I whispered and slipped off the bed. I made my way out, looking back to make sure she was still asleep. 

"How was she?"

In shock I and stumbled back and hit a trolley full of kidney dishes. The doctor looked at me funny and shrugged it off.

"Well?"

"She's asleep. It's strange really. It was like she needed me to be there when she finally went to sleep. Does she rely on me that badly?"

"It seems so. I wanted to talk to you about her new home. I'm finding it very difficult to put her in an orphanage that's close enough to a place with good medical resources. She needs it" We both walked into her office.

I really didn't like the term, _putting her into an orphanage. I had been down that road already. I knew an orphanage wasn't going to be the best course of action for her…but what other option did we have? She couldn't stay here in Garden forever and…_

"Squall?"

"Uh…yes?"

"Okay just making sure you're still with me" She shifted some papers on her desk and leaned forward. "How are you dealing?"

"Dealing?" I was momentarily shocked by her question but I kept my cool. "Dealing with what? Amy…well I can handle it for it now. As soon as we find her somewhere I'll be at ease"

"That's not what I meant Squall. And you know it. How are you dealing with Rinoa?"

Boy…she really knew how to hit me hard. 

"Well you know it's not like I'm a little traumatized kid sitting on the pavement in the rain, crying because the world is against me. So no, I'm fine and I'm not going to talk about this to you. I don't need a councilor" I crossed my arms and looked away. For a while we sat in silence and I had to stop myself from looking at the doctor to see her reaction.

"Squall…" He voice was barely a whisper but it cut the air like a blade. "I'm not doing this make you angry. Or upset. I was afraid that this had…done something to you"

"Like what?" I was afraid of the answer.

"I'm not sure. But please promise we can talk more later? Make an appointment with me maybe?"

It didn't matter what I said. If I refused and walked out in a huff she would be book me another appointment and _make me go to it. If I agreed she would be pleasant and still book me but…at least it would make her worrying go down. _

"Ok, I will. But I'm only doing this because you're overreacting" 

I left the infirmary with heavy steps. Not because I was angry but because I knew she right. She was so damn right. I hated that because it made feel so alone.

It was just another reason for another person in my life to leave me for no reason.

~

"What's a big man like you doing looking like a low life man like him?" Selphie pointed over at Irvine and giggled as I entered the room.  Irvine coughed and leaned into her. 

"Was that a compliment Sephy?"

She elbowed him and waited for my answer. I was about to, but then I realized more than two eyes were on me and the room suddenly grew very small and stuffy. I chocked back my answer and sat down on the couch next to her. Emotions today were seemingly ever-present in me, tenfold. 

"Okay…never mind" She smiled. Cindy was opposite me with Quistis. They exchanged looks and then resumed their conversation. Xu wasn't in the office. Surprisingly I managed to obscure myself away from the attention and close my eyes in peace. I was trying to recover from my encounter at the infirmary. Cindy noticed because she stepped up and poked me in the arm. I opened one eye.

"You alright there mister?"

"Yeah…tired is all"

"Okay but don't forget that we have a meeting today in the cafeteria" She winked and poked me in the arm again. I watched her with my one eye as she sat back down with Quistis and once again resumed speaking. I had in truth forgotten. I arranged to meet her in the cafeteria today and discuss…things. Anything she wanted to know about Garden. 

"Hey guys if I used real lemons in…like real lemon juice in a mixture of detergent and then used powdered lemon in lemonade…would that seem a little inhumane?"

He received another elbow from Selphie and whined. Somehow I wondered why that man didn't end up in the infirmary with broken ribs. "But seriously…" We were saved from anymore of his accounts of stupidity when Xu arrived. She smiled at us and seated herself in her usual spot at her desk. We waited until she had taken off her glasses and taken a breath of fresh air. The tense air around me evaporated as the simple act of a 'daily briefing' came into focus. If anything could release my emotional stresses then SeeD duties would. 

"Good to see everyone. How are we all feeling today?"

"Great!"

"I'm fine"

"Good thank you"

"Whatever…"

"What about the lemon juice you get in squeezey bottles?"

Xu continued. "Good to hear. The day should go on as per normal and Cindy, just follow Squall around and watch over him. He'll hate that so go for it. Quistis I need you to make sure that Cadet Wilson stops bringing strawberries into class and throwing them at students, it's really getting annoying. Irvine…enough with the lemons, and Selphie?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you for helping me file last night. Take the day off. Has anyone seen Zell?"

"Uh…" Quistis looked around the room and smiled. "I suspect he may at the cafeteria" She looked over at me and received a shrug. Xu almost giggled and winked at Selphie. 

"Yes ma'am! I'll find him and bring him to you so then you can chop off his head and send him to sharks!" 

"Good, I'll be here like always…dismissed" 

They all filed out of the room excluding Cindy and myself. For a moment I just stared at the headmistress and smiled. I smiled because I was surrounded with something so unfamiliar and something I had taken for granted before my life took such an unplanned turn. I pointed at her. "Why'd you do that for?"

"What?"

"Tell Cindy to follow me around because I'll hate that. I know you know I will because I'm Squall and I hate that so are you trying to make me hate something because…uh…am I still making sense?"

Across from me the person in question bit back her laughter and seated herself more comfortably to await the oncoming amusement. I could tell she was loving every moment of this new and foreign Garden. Maybe she would start to enjoy her life schedule as I had come to. 

Xu raised her hands defensively and threw a pen at me. But being the SeeD as I am, I dodged it expertly and placed it on the coffee table. Such a simple act triggered laughter in the room. Cindy giggled and sent a glance to Xu. Some sort of hidden message was passed between the two and I coiled back in fear. Women were almost the same spelling as Demon…

"I just want to make sure Cindy understands her job when she returns to Trabia Garden. If she watches you it will make it easier…now go! Before I get my men and tell them to _be off with his head!_ " 

"Yes ma'm!" I briefly saluted and bolted out of the room with Cindy on my heals. 

Even as my day started I had this urge that today was really going to be different. 

A/N: I'm alive.

I really didn't want to continue writing this. When everything went down the drain and my social life took a turn for the worst. Writing something over again wasn't a general thought. But then I talked with a fellow author (You know who you are) and realized why I began writing it in the first place. I looked back on my reviews and kept writing. So…

Thankyou.

And also, fear not Squinoa fans. 

Kupo

Verdanii

Sorceress Fujin

Lynn666

Drifting Moomba

su6ahighfreak

xifa

RadicalEdward6

Angefantasy

CTHKSI

squeakychris 

DarkAngel666

Zac

Lunatic Pandora1

The Angel of the Lion

Ethereal Moon

FF9 Zidane

Edenblack18

shotgun


	7. Chapter VII

**_Disclaimer:_**The previous disclaimer? It was a joke. I don't own Final Fantasy 8. Really. But I do own a one those cans of lollies that when you open it, it's actually a snake…woo…funny. I've fooled so many people with that one. 

**__**

**_Chance or Choice?_****__**

**__**

**__**

_Chapter VII_

**_No ones here and I fall into myself_**

**_This truth drives me into madness_**

**_I know I can stop the pain_**

**_If I will it all away…_**

_-Evanescence _

~

The Cafeteria only just started selling milkshakes a few weeks ago.

 It's no wonder they were a hit. For so long the only drink available had to have some sort of vitamin in them or piece of broccoli… As a kid I used to buy ice cream toppings and mix them in with milk, in my dorm. Of course, back then I shared with Zell. He broke our blender by putting in a combination of hotdog, topping, toast and ice into it without any liquid. It couldn't handle the pressure and exploded all over the kitchen. . . 

Cindy had jumped at the chance of sitting next to the window with milkshakes. She said it would give a nice air to the conversation. I had no idea what a '_nice air_' was so I decided to let her run the conversation. It would make it easier for me. We started off talking about Garden. So I had to rack my brain to remember everything I had learnt long ago with the Ultimecia affair. Now two and a half years ago.

"Okay Squall. I need the run down." Cindy explained. "Xu gave me a SeeD handbook on the regulations but…who goes through that anyway? It has over thirty chapters and _way_ too many points that just repeat themselves, but in another way of speaking and using more complex words. You know? I only want to know the basics. Like what connection Cid has to the Garden and the courses you're SeeD's go through, what training they need to do the final exam and…like that"

"Sure. Cid and Edea created Garden and SeeD. It's intentions were purely to eliminate the sorceress, because back then Edea was a sorceress and she… I won't get into details. The cadets need to have a high enough result in a written test handout prior to the SeeD exam. Before the written test, they undergo a training session to make sure their hand to hand battle is good enough to qualify. In some circumstances the age limit is above fifteen"

She took a sip from her straw and giggled. "Didn't Quistis become a SeeD at fifteen?"

"I think so…yeah, she did. Not long ago she recently got her Instructor license back. Two years ago she was stripped of her Instructor rank because they found her incapable to be a good leader and so forth. Under the new conditions, they found her able to meet the qualifications. You know, saving the world and everything. So she's beginning to regain some of her happiness. After she lost it, she was in a miserable pit. Sort of"

Cindy 'awed' and leaned back. "It's so nice of you to speak of your comrades so nicely. You must really care for them. It's sweet. I think that's a good quality for a leader"

That really struck me. Sure I cared for them. But I swayed off the topic and cleared my throat. I wasn't feeling much for emotions today "Uh, Cid and Edea needed funding for the Garden so they let NORG invest in it. He provided all the money and Cid provided the SeeD's. But a while ago, NORG was killed when an incident arose and now we receive our funding from the government and our services to the community. It was only two years ago, again…, that we discovered NORG actually. Then he was killed. Ironic isn't it? Cid retired a year ago and Xu took over. He wanted to spend more time with Edea"

"So Edea is no longer a sorceress right?"

"No, her powers were passed on to a civilian"

"Oh I see…are they under some sort of protection? I mean it must be dangerous for a civilian to have such a burden and be afraid of the world hating them. All it takes is one leak … and the world is in chaos again because of a _sorceress war scare_. Anything could go wrong. Don't you find that just a bit … _unnerving?_"

A lump caught in my throat. Exactly. It worried me like hell. I could feel fear creeping up my back and I unconsciously rubbed my neck. Yes, that's exactly how _Rinoa_ felt and _she_ thought the world would hate_ her_ so she locked _herself_ away. I let her too … But I was so in love with her that I saved her only to have her leave again. So is the story of my life. I wanted to say that. But again, I tried changing subjects best as I could. 

"Yes, it can be worrying sometimes but we make sure that only high SeeD officials know of it. As for the civilian she…they are ... Their identity is kept a secret" I cleared my throat.  "Here we've changed to servicing the community by protecting others instead of killing. No longer assassins I suppose. It created more of a welcome aura and people feel more willing to hire us"

"That's right! I heard about that!" She paused. "Say, how old were you when you came here to Garden? I know you were at an orphanage. With Edea."

"I was seven"

"Wow, sure started young. I think was I ten. My parents worked as farmers near Deling and my brothers were always going to take over the family business. So I took another direction and decided on Military. Garden was my best action back then"

"Why not join the Galbadian Army? Back then it was easy to get in"

"Yes, true, but my parents always had a bad air for them. What about you, why did you come here to Garden?"

Because Edea believed it was my _destiny. _"Well, Edea just sent us here because it would keep us close to her and to Cid, and after all she had created it. By _us _I mean Quistis, Zell, Selphie and Irvine as well. Oh and Seifer" She knew I would be a SeeD, it was me who suggested it to her. "She just wanted us to be raised properly and Garden was her best choice" When I traveled through time, and I just happened to blurt Garden and SeeD out. So it was my fault. I almost smiled, but was quick not to let Cindy see. "The reasons got muddled eventually. . . what have you come to like about Balamb Garden so far?"

She picked her drink up and began stirring it around with her straw. She glanced around the cafeteria. "Well, the students are really well mannered and no one ever seems to be out of their uniform standards. It's got a really nice atmosphere too. But it's not as if I've been here very long. I still have a while to go and with the exam coming up I think things are going to get interesting"

I nodded. "Yes, you're not the only one. Running a Garden and helping the infirmary with a rogue two year old. It's tough" I was speaking to myself more than her and I groaned unwillingly.

"She is so sweet! Selphie and I stopped by on our way out yesterday to have a peek and oh . . . she reminds of one of those little baby dolls. She's just so adorable. Don't you think?"

"I think she's unique, but a handful"

"But isn't it amazing how someone so heartless could just dump such a gorgeous little girl in the middle of no where like that? I can understand the troubles of being a parent but that's just ridiculous. It's cruel" She put down her drink angrily and looked away. Yeah, heartless, I knew that well.

"Squall . . . what's going to happen to her?"

"We're trying to find a suitable orphanage for her"

"Oh. I suppose that's the most obvious reason. But she's afraid of other people. That's what I heard. How is she ever going to cope? It's not normal for a kid to fear people like she does. Is it true she knocked a nurse over into a bath?"

"Yes, she did. And maybe she was traumatized. Maybe she was out in the forest for a long time and seeing me was a welcome relief. Who knows? But dwelling in her problems won't solve them. We need to get some experts in. That's what I'll be discussing with the doctor next" 

Cindy nodded and looked up as the PA music sounded. 

"I guess it's that time again" She smiled.

~

"She's getting _very_ depressed. We've kept her in here for days without going outside and running around and she's beginning to notice. She wants some freedom" The doctor explained. "I think its effecting her health" We looked on through the one-way window into Amy's room. She was seated on top of the windowsill, half hidden in the curtains, looking outside. 

"I'll get some cadets to cleat the area behind Garden of any wandering monsters then some nurses can take her out"

"She can't stand being around any of the staff. Not even Xu or Quistis could persuade her to like them. And how about this, _not even Selphie!_"

"Then…let her know she has to go out with a person from your staff or she can't go outside. She needs to learn sometime" 

She almost laughed and began to walk into Amy's room. "I was hoping you would get the hint Squall. I need _you _and only_ you_ to take her outside. She trusts you and she likes you"

"No way"

"You also have no choice in this because I'm overruling you. It's in the case of her health, so I outrank you in this" She picked the screaming girl off from the windowsill, who began to smile when she saw me, and placed her on the bed. She crawled immediately over to me wrapped her arms around my waist, hiding her face. 

"Kadowaki…" I groaned.

"Squall…" She mimicked. "I know it's not your style, but she needs you right now. Take her for a walk near Balamb. Maybe to park just on the outskirts. Lots of other children go there, but it's very quiet today, so that's good" We walked to her office with Amy still clinging onto me. "Take these" She handed me some paperwork. "And keep her away from crowds, well anyone, and keep her in your sight _at all times_"

"Yes, yes. I didn't take childcare classes but I do know what to do. I'll be careful. How long do we need to be out?"

"At least until she gets tired"

"That…will take all day"

"Then I'll let Xu know. Now _go_!" She pushed out of the room playfully and laughed. She was enjoying seeing me suffer like this. I was about to argue further but she closed the door, locked it, and waved us off through her window. I stood stock still, holding Amy's hand, and stared at her. As she waited for us to leave, I looked down at Amy.

"You do realize this comes out of your pay?"

"Agee?"

"Okay, good. Now I suppose we should go already. Come on" 

~

_Diary of Squall Leonheart_

_October 19th_

_Amy is here. In Balamb. In my house. In my lounge room. Sitting on the couch watching the __midday__ kids programs.__ Very soon I have to take her out to the park. We drove here, despite the doctor telling me to walk, and now I have to take her out. I can here her laughter now. She's watching a cartoon about a very round, blue octopus looking creature. It looks okay to her. I don't know what it is with Amy and her obsession with me. Yes, I was the first person she saw away from the forest ,it must have been a welcome sight, but I'm not the best person to get along with for kids. It's just strange that she sees me as such a… father figure. I have to admit though … I'm liking it.  _

_Today Cindy and I had our chat in the cafeteria. It was nice. Not too business like. She seems very calm and fits into the Garden well. She said to me that she likes it here and the way we run the place. We spoke about Gardens history, mine, Amy and… Rinoa. Although I never mentioned Rinoa's name, we spoke about her anonymously. Cindy needed to be updated on the happenings of the sorceress. So it wasn't hard to miss. _

_Damn._

_I always end up writing about her don't I?_

_I can't avoid her. No matter how hard I try to put her out of my head. No matter how many distractions and problems I can encounter, it all ends up running like a stream of water to one person._

_Rinoa.___

_Rinoa.__ Rinoa. Rinoa. I'm really making myself sound like an obsessed lunatic aren't I? But I'm not. I'm just trying to get over it. I'm trying to deal. It's just how I do. I was hurt in more ways than I can get over in just a few months. It will take time but … I'll move on and find the strength to trust someone like her again. One day. _

_I tried going to Deling. About two months ago. I mean, it's been nearly five months since I last saw her, making herself a cup of coffee in the Kitchen at ten at night. Probably needed a caffeine boost for the long trip to Deling ahead. But when I thought about actually buying the ticket to Deling, a thought came to me. What if she didn't want to see me? She left _me_. Not the other way around. So I scrapped the idea and went on living. _

_And I hate it. _

_Amy is calling for me now. Bye. _

Amy had her feet up on the coffee table, sitting on the couch, and had her head lying back on a pillow. In her lap she held a small bowl of chips and a glass of water rested on the couch next to her hands. She shoveled another chip into her mouth and giggled as the blue octopus jumped off a cliff into shallow water and cut one of his tentacles. I cringed as I realized the type of the stuff they had this time of day weren't really her age group. As the octopus tried to patch himself up, a tsunami washed over him and drowned a group of low flying swallows. Amy laughed so hard that she dropped her chips and tried to have more water while choking on it. I ran over and lifted her to the floor. She stumbled around, half giggling and half choking until she coughed it out and looked up at me.

"Agee, boo in da water!"

"Yes… blue octopus in the water. Well a dead one now. Is this really a cartoon? I thought cartoons were silly and childish and had no plot. Not death and blood and people…or rather, _things _dying" 

Amy began to giggle again and shook her head. 

"Noo noo Agee. In da water!" She jumped up and down in a circle to emphasize her point, as I discreetly turned the T.V off. She was about to start whining but I cut her off by quickly opening the front door. Sunlight poured into the room like an invasion by a golden army, filling in every dark space and corner. She was suddenly stock still and awestruck by the strange and wondrous phenomenon. All thoughts of T.V and the suicidal octopus were flushed from her mind. I smiled and pointed at the front lawn. 

"Outside?" I asked.

The makings of a pleased grin began to creep across her face. 

~

**_A/N: _**I was so worried about this chapter! I went over it nearly 50 times. Please advise me of any errors or anything that seems out of place. I really need the important feedback and you readers are doing such a great job at boosting my moral with you're lovely reviews. Thankyou all so much. If I could send you all gift vouchers I would. But then there's this privacy issue and…

I might be getting someone to do illustrations for this, so fingers crossed!

**_Karla3_**


	8. Chapter VIII

Disclaimer: The geeky neighbor across the street said he bought Squaresoft on Ebay. *Shrugs* 

**_Chance or Choice?_****__**

****

_Chapter VIII _

**_So I let you_**

**_Watching you_**

**_Turn you're back like you always do_**

**_Face away and pretend that I'm not_**

**_But I'll be here_**

**_Cos_****_' You're all that I got…_**

****

_-Linkin. P_

_~_

Going outside the doors of a home or hospital, was like entering a new world altogether for her.

As soon as we hit the playground just outside Balamb, Amy raced over to the set of swings and started swinging them back and forth. She stood at one end, almost as if pretending someone else was on the worn leather seat, and pushed it. Her skinny arms weren't full of much strength so she didn't get it very far, but she was having fun nonetheless. I walked over to a lady, sitting on a bench overlooking the entire area and sat down. Her little girl was also on the playground, which Amy took the liberty of avoiding at all costs. 

"Hey there" The lady said. She turned her head and flashed a big white smile. She wore a dark blue dress and a sun hat. I nodded back.

"That you're girl? She's adorable" The lady said. 

"No…she… belongs to a friend, I'm just minding her"

"Ah…yes, that's nice of you. I tell you what" She leaned closer. "My friends would never take my little girl, Candice, she's really is a handful. Never be too careful with these little devils" She chuckled.

"I agree"

"I mean one minute there they are acting all cute and innocent, telling you they need to _go potty _or play with the dog. Then they're in your room, with makeup all over the ground and a bucket of sand in the kitchen!" She laughed and took a napkin from her bag.

This lady really knew what she was talking about. If I was going to survive an entire day with Amy, I would need advice.

"I'm Squall" I extended my hand.

"Why thank you! I'm Sally. And what's your little tuckers name?" She shook my hand strongly. 

"Amy"

"How nice. Such a sweet name. I think the way people name their children is really degrading. Just yesterday I met a young boy named Vanilla! Can you believe that? Vanilla! Why on Earth would you want to name your little boy Vanilla!? It's an ice cream flavor for heavens sake!"

She wiped her face with the napkin and laughed again. 

"I was wondering…what do two year olds actually like to do?"

She turned to face me and flashed me another wide smile. This was obviously her forte. She placed her sun glasses on her hat. "These kids are enormously active. They can run laps around your own house three times and still want one more ride on the bouncy castle, you know? The whole idea is to find things that are tiring enough for them to do, so that when the time comes…they just drop to the floor like flies. Nap time"

"Nap time. Check"

"Get them to draw or paint as much as you can, I find marble painting is the best, then present their work on the fridge or the doors. It makes them feel important. Kids adore hugs. In their mind, a hug is a gift of love. So let them know you love them as much as you can"

"Okay…"

"Candice! What did I tell you about those swings? _Do not put the dog on them! Swings are not for dogs!!" _She quickly ran over and stopped her daughter from putting their blue-heeler puppy on a very worn and squeaky swing. Amy watched, from the monkey bars, with amusement. In her little mind, these people didn't seem to frightening. Candice seemed to only want to have fun and her mother was being nice to Agee so…

Amy jumped down to the sand, tumbling over at first, and then began the seemingly long walk for three meters over to Candice and her mum. I watched with hesitation as she stood almost inches from them watching with hopeful eyes. I was tempted to go up to her and bring her back to the (almost) safe monkey bars. That would be a lot better than watching another one of her kicking and screaming tantrums. 

But on the other hand.

Amy had brought this on herself. She had walked up to them and decided to intervene, not me, and so she knew that she would take responsibility for anything that went wrong. The mind of a two year old is strangely strong. She calmly smiled at the other little girl across from her and looked surprised when Candice smiled back. The lady walked back to the bench and wiped her forehead with her hankie.

"My goodness, next time the dog's staying at home"

I nodded absent mindedly as I watched the girls. Candice sat down on one swing and Amy on the other. They just sat on them looking up at the sky. Candice giggled and pointed at a low flying seagull. 

"Birdy Birdy!"

Amy giggled back and pointed too. This was how they communicated. It was how they made friends.

"Say, Squall where do you live? You from Balamb?"

"Yes"

"Well I live in Cary Street near the mall; feel free to drop in for a cuppa any time at all darlin'. Candy! Come on sweetheart, time to go home!" She tied her bag up and walked down the path to town with Candice hopping along after her. Amy sat still on the swing and watched them until they had gone completely. She looked to the ground and almost fell off when the swing moved slightly. For some accounts, I felt terribly sorry for her and for another one I felt she had accomplished the most unthought-of of task ever. For her anyway.

She met someone. 

~

We stayed at the park for another hour. I never moved from the bench, but Amy ran around the playground about three times and tried out every piece of equipment. It was lunchtime and she didn't look like she was tiring. I made a lame attempt at staring at my watch to increase the time, but eventually I called her over. She jogged over, her knees dirty and her pink dress full of grass stains. Her hair had been tied up by one of the nurses and the purple lacky had drooped down low revealing a few stray hairs around her face. In fact, a _lot_ of stray hairs. 

"Agee?"

"I think we should go now Amy. Okay? Home. H-O-M-E"

"Agee?"

"Never mind. Let's go"

She reached her hand up after I had stood. I stretched my arms and looked down at her. She waggled her arm around in the air expectantly. I looked around to see what she may have been pointing to, but she was pointing at me. I had no idea what to do so I pointed to myself. 

"I'm Agee…or Squall"

She giggled and pointed to herself.

"Eeemeee"

"No…Amy"

"Arrrmeee?"

"_Amy_"

"Meee?"

I sighed and looked at the path. "Okay we really should go now. I'll teach you how to say you're name over some lunch. Promise" 

"Miss?"

"Yeah…come on" I started walking away and she followed me like a lost dog, looking very puzzled. I could hear her footsteps changing from a soft pad to clicking as we stepped onto the hard surface of the path. Her shoes had metal bottoms. It sounded strange to have a soft clicking following me all the way to town, and it was fast too, because of her tiny legs. We walked in complete silence, and as I had noticed from watching her, Amy was intently focused on the ground as she walked. Eventually the clicking wore down and Amy was slowing to a sluggish walk. She stopped abruptly and raised her hands.

"Up"

"Wha…?"

"Up" She said again, but more forceful. She had a pained expression and looked tired.

"Oh…up as in _up_?"

This time she said nothing, only moved closer. I lifted her up towards me with both hands and let her settle herself in my arms. She wrapped her arms around my neck and her legs around my waist. I lightly held onto her back. It felt awkward, holding such a small thing. She felt fragile, warm and almost as if I could break her in two if squeezed her too hard. I became worried and looked toward the town.

"Better get this over with…"

So with Amy holding onto me, we continued our journey home. All the while she stayed silent and nuzzled her head up against my shoulder. She didn't fidget or try to wriggle away at all. She content and happy lying in my arms. I smiled the entire way back to where the street lamps started and even further than that. I wondered what she was thinking about. Although the mind of this two year old was strong, it was twisted in the way that she didn't simply have _flavors of the day _like normal kids; she liked one particular person and only one. Me. I was comforted and worried by that. Comforted because it meant someone, no matter how young, had such immense appreciation for me that they couldn't like anyone else, and worried because she could grow up being alone like I did. I suppose I'm not too bad to be around with, even if my girlfriend left me, and my changing over the years has really helped me become a better person. 

Back, reminiscing on that moment, when I had told my friends about Rinoa's leaving they had told me one thing. 

It wasn't because of me.

But how could that be possible? She didn't leave because of _her,_ she left because of something I did, or something I would do. She needed to be around her family more than me. It was something she needed to be alone to do. Perhaps she had a secret or _skeletons in the closet _she didn't want me to know about. Something she thought I was too below her to know. And with all of this negative thinking revolving around her and the way I just feel like punching someone's lights out whenever I think of her…

I don't hate her.

In fact, I'm still in love with her. I remembered walking into our room and seeing her coat hanging on the doorknob. It was like she was still there, and if I moved it she would be angry with me for hiding her stuff. Not angry in the sense she was mad, we rarely had a fight. Which makes it even harder to believe what actually happened. All her things are still in our room as if she still lives here After all, her letter said to me, _when I return to you. _

Does that mean she has forgotten about me, or is she really going to come back? While she has her self-discovery journey, I sit here and suffer. Why does it have it have to be so hard to let go. Why can't I just believe that all I have to do is wait!

Amy yawned and raised her head. She tapped me on the shoulder and grinned.

"What's wrong?"

"Mmmm" She groaned. I knew what was wrong. Food. I was hungry too so I de-railed my train of thoughts and tried to remember what I had at home. 

"Do you like sandwiches? Quistis taught me how to make them. She said it was shocking I didn't know how to make the simplest snack of all time, but then hey, its not like I took cooking classes and did I really take any home economic classes at all? No. So she taught me and now I can make nearly…is this boring you?"

She was already fast asleep again, her head slowing bobbing up and down as I walked. 

I smiled and reached for my keys. 

* * *

**_A/N : _**I'm using my two year old cousin as an example. Just so I get Amy's behavior right. ^ ^

I've taken your reviews into account and I'm making improvements. The more reviews the quicker the update. That way I know how much interest this story is getting. *Cough Cough* G'night everyone! 


	9. Chapter IX

**__**

**_Chance or Choice?_****__**

**__**

_Chapter IX_

**_I look in the mirror and see your face_**

**_If I look deep enough_**

**_So many things inside that are just like you_**

**_Are taking over_**

****

_-Evanescence_

_~_

Perfect.

The way her hair sat on top of her head like a statue in a museum. The way her makeup was so delicately placed on her face like a china doll. The way her dress seemed to hug close to her body, show off her curves and then melt away at the edges and float across the floor. The way her smile placed so much joy and wonder to passerby's but held a hidden agenda. The way she clasped the tear-stained tissue in her left hand as she watched her own reflection in the mirror. The hairstyle – short and neat – the makeup – so fine and yet so beautiful – the dress made from silk – a light baby pink- and the smile that hid her sorrow. 

"This isn't me"

Her voice was weak and she tried hard to choke out her words to make them sound audible. Slow piano music wafted in through her half closed door, coming from the downstairs party in the Mansion Foyer. Her father had decided to throw a quiet party for his friends and colleagues in the business. After all, he _was_ the General of the greatest troops of Galbadia. It was considered polite to throw a party for such guests and friends. She had joined such a business, in becoming her father's personal secretary and she had even planned this party, so she was expected to be there. As she had said. But something had tugged her from that party and made her come up here to admire – or rather criticize – herself via the mirror.  She sat down on the bed, as if in slow motion and tried to recover herself from the sudden shock.

"I need to get out of here…" She breathed, and looked at her dresser. A tiny photo was taped onto the side of the mirror. It caught her eye like every other time and she walked up to it to take it down. Its surface was crumpled and cracked from being handled too much, it was beginning to wear. She looked over the frozen fragment of time and wept.

"Squall…"

~

_Diary of Squall Leonheart_

_October 25th_

_Guess what Kadowaki decided to do?_

_Amy is going to come home with me once a week. She said she was going to make it three times a week but then she knew it would interfere with my SeeD duties and yada yada. Besides, the exam is about a week and I can't afford too many distractions. _

_After I took her to the park, Amy had lunch and then slept. I took her back to the Garden after she woke up and I filed some papers then went home. As boring as this may seem, there really is a point to all this. My point being that when I got home, I found a very interesting message on my answering machine. It was from a number in Deling, and in fact, whoever they were they didn't leave a message. They said nothing at all. _

_Could it have been her?_

_I didn't recognize the number as any that I had seen her use so I'm not sure. If it was her, then it was the first time she had tried to call me. Well, the first time she had built the up the courage to let it ring out. _

_When I saw that number I felt a slice of hope. Maybe she had finished her business and decided to come back to me. Soon. Maybe she was just ringing to let me know. Maybe she could turn up tonight and surprise me!_

_Maybe it was just Senate Bates returning my call from last week._

_Who knows? I don't and never will._

_I've also decided to take up Sally's offer. I don't drink 'cuppa's' but it can get me a chance to meet more people in the general neighbor hood and maybe she has some suggestions to help Amy. Also, Amy had an interest in her little girl Candice so maybe she could make a friend and make things just a little bit easier. I think it could help Amy out really well if she made a friend, emotionally and mentally. By this age she should be meeting more people and not be so afraid.  I hope it helps her._

~

"So far we have four SeeD teams to dispatch an hour prior to the exam. The cadets will be transported to the base via Ragnarok and are to be briefed for a second time whilst onboard. This is going to be so much fun!" Selphie started jumping up and down mid-sentence and laughed. "So basically Xu, Quisty and I have _everything _covered. Squall is going to go with the SeeD's and set up for the exam before the cadets arrive" She finished off with a quick salute. 

"Please raise your hand if you think this will be the most boring exam of all time" Zell yawned. We all raised our hands, excluding Selphie and Xu. 

"Aw come on guys, happy thoughts!" Selphie said, while flailing her arms and trying to boost the moral of the occupants of the office. We all looked on with half closed eyes. Irvine stretched out and groaned.

"Selphie, sweetie, I think everyone's just having a 'Squall moment' lets leave them be" He winked at me and saluted.

"I hate you" I whispered sarcastically. 

"Ditto. Does this mean you _really _hate me or you're just chillin out on some quiet time because we're so tired? I mean everyone says things they regret in times like these sir, Commander Leonheart, sir"

He was mocking me. I hate it when people mock me.

I smiled and pointed my finger at him. "No…I'm planning your death Irvine…but in a happy way"

"Gee that's comforting!" Zell laughed.

"Thank you Selphie" Xu smiled, while trying to contain her laughter. Selphie skipped back over to the couch and sat back down on Irvine's lap. "And thank you everyone for coming out so early, I just have a few things to clear up before we begin our schedules" True to her word, Xu had dragged us all up at four AM to do this meeting. I was in the middle of a very cold shower due to the lack of sleep I had been receiving lately. The past three days had been tiring, but busy. Everyone in the room was either happily snoozing or trying to look on with half closed eyes. The rest of my body didn't register but I could feel pins and needles in my arms. 

Cindy stretched and took her place in the center of the room. She rubbed her eyes in a tired matter and grinned. "Hey everyone. I just wanted to give you all a quick rundown on a few things Xu and I were talking about last night. We've decided for me to accompany Squall in marking and grading the cadets for the exam as well as being in an actual SeeD backup squad as well" She turned to me and gave me a _thumbs__ up._ "Don't worry Squall, I'll only be there to give you feedback on how some of the more elusive students are doing because we have such a bigger ground to cover then normal" I nodded back and caught a small yellow file that Xu threw over. 

"Go through it Squall. Laguna sent it over. It's just a few maps showing the sewer levels and manholes throughout the base. Also the fine lines represent where the scaffolding will be placed and the cage drop off points" 

"Homework?" I groaned.

"Yes, to put it in other words, have fun wont you?"

"Sure…"

"Dismissed everyone" Xu laughed and began pulling out a very large pile of paperwork. 

_~_

"Amy, I know this isn't scheduled or anything but I have permission to take you out again to see Candice today. She lives near me" Amy dipped her bubble blower into the soapy container and blew at it as hard she could. The thin film of water broke instantly and no bubbles immerged. She looked angry for a moment, then dipped it back in again for another attempt. "I noticed while we were at the park, that you didn't seem too worried being around that other little girl and maybe that's what you need. Maybe adults freak you out and you need to be around people your own age" Her second attempt at making bubbles failed and she almost threw it across the room but decided for a third try. "Amy…are you listening? _You need to meet people. _I can't just let you sit in here everyday, all day…blowing bubbles and throwing kidney dishes at the nurses. I can understand your hate for the medical staff because lets face it…everyone hates them. But this thing you have going with me isn't good for you. You can't depend yourself on me because I'm not a _dependable _person. Don't rely on me, _please_. Is any of this registering with you?"

When her third attempt went down the drain, she placed the bottle on the dresser and looked out the window. "This is important stuff, and at only two you probably don't understand me too well, do you?" She almost sneezed. "I thought so. But if you have problems with communicating your…well, _problems_ let me help"

I reached my hand out and pulled her away from the window so she sat at the end of the bed with me. I then picked up the bubble bottle and dipped it in. "Some things are meant to spoken out Amy" She watched in amazement as I produced about twenty decent sized bubbles. They floated up to the ceiling and stuck on the light, fan and windowsill. A few smaller ones landed on her hair.

"I tried solving my problems by forgetting about them, pushing them aside and not letting anyone know. Trust me it doesn't work" She popped a bubble in her hand and started playing with the sticky goo on her palms. "If you can't tell the doctor or her nurses, then tell _me_. Amy, tell _Agee" _

For the first time she looked up at me and tilted her head to the side like a puppy. She reached her arm up and placed a hand on my face. "Agee?" She whispered.

"Yeah. That's me. Agee. _You_ are Amy" I pointed at her. "Amy"

"Ah…mee" She lowered her hand down to herself and sighed in understanding. "Meee?"

"Yes that's it. Amy. Say it to me"

She shook her head and sighed. "No Agee" She leaned in closer and wrapped her arms around me. 

"Amy all I need you to know is that if you try bottling things up you'll grow up like I did. Unhappy and lonely. Don't do that okay?" I pulled her up on my lap and tilted her face to look at mine. "So will come with me to see Candice? Please…I need you to make a friend and be better. I don't know if I rest easy knowing you're this lonely" She tried to look away and groaned but she gave in and rested her head against me. 

"Okay Agee" She smiled and pointed to herself one last time.

"Amy" She whispered, loud enough for me to hear. I looked at in amazement and pulled her off me to get a look at her face again. She was smiling from ear to ear. "You said it?" I asked.

"Amy!"

"You said it again! Amy that's great!" She started jumping on the bed and laughing. She picked up her pillow and threw it at me. I dodged it expertly and slid off the bed. I picked up a cushion and threw it back at her. It hit her in the back and she lightly fell back onto the bed. While she was trying to contain herself from laughing too much, I wrapped her up in the sheets and slung her over my shoulder. She was giggling and laughing so I hard I thought she was going to have a heart attack.

"Hmmm…where's Amy gone? Amy! Where'd you go?" She went partially silent and stopped wriggling.

"Maybe she's at the windowsill" I walked over to the window. "No not here…or under the bed…no not there either. What about this pile of sheets I found" I placed the bundle of white blankets and assorted sheets onto the bed and looked inside. Like a leaping frog, Amy jumped out grabbed my shirt. I fell down onto the bed and stood up and jumped on me.

"Amy here Agee!" She shook her head in mock disbelief and patted me on the shoulder.

"Found me Agee" She giggled. 

"Okay" I smiled. "Enough playing, time to go"

~

"I'm so glad you decided to come. When I got your call it said on the machine that it was a military number. I had no idea it would be you so basically that meant I was so totally shocked and well Candice hasn't a good friend to place with in a while and she's really looking forward to meeting Amy and might I say what a lovely dress you have on Amy"

I was beginning to get a headache and I only just walked into her house. Sally did seem to take a breath while she spoke and she was speaking too fast. I nodded meekly and looked down at Amy, in her pink dress, who seemed to be looking the same as me. She rubbed her eyes and stood behind me. 

"Thanks for letting us come…I really want Amy to meet some new people"

"Yes of course! Always the best way to help a growing mind. Come to the back, Candy is there in the sand pit"

We followed her through the small cottage-like house and out to the back patio. To left of her very grassy yard, was a pool. To the right hand corner, I saw Candice sitting in a small yellow sand pit. She looked up and waved. Surprisingly, Amy waved back. I leant down to her level.

"Amy…that's _Candy_. Do you want to go and play with her?"

"Andy?"

"Yeah…play?"

"Play!" She let go of my hand and ran over to corner. Candice stood and handed her a bucket full of mud. They both giggled and started burying a truck in a hole. 

"Don't worry. Its special sand so it doesn't stain their clothes and the mud dries up in a few minutes flat" We sat down at the table as I looked on in disbelief. I felt lonely all of the sudden. Feeling so strange because she was intently focused on someone else, someone other than me. And for just this one moment, her mind wasn't racing with the thought "Agee". As I watched on with a mixture of despair and amazement, Sally poured two cups of tea and slid mine over to me.

"Don't worry hun, she'll come back"

"Wha…?"

"I know it feels strange when they leave you for the first time and well…you've gotta wander if you actually want to let them go sometimes"

"Yes, I know exactly what you mean"

She took a sip and leaned back in her chair to examine me. "Squall are you sure she doesn't belong to you? It just seems to me, you act as if she was yours"

"No really, she's not mine…I just….I" _Really _care for her. "Feel the need to look after her. She needs strong support right now. Amy hasn't been through the same stages that kids her age have and has special requirements…you know?" 

"Of course. And when they're this young, you just want to buy some sort of drug to stop them growing! I think it's nice to keep them so young. Learning everyday, not begging for the computer or a new car and nagging me about their career options. Goodness, when Candice is older…I'll have gone to hell and back again" She laughed good- naturedly and took a few more sips of tea. 

"I don't know Amy too well though…"

"Oh Squall it doesn't long for you to know them. It can take only a day to end up loving one of these kids. From the moment they start giving you pet names, they love you like their own parents"

I turned my attention back to Amy. The girls were chasing after Sally's blue heeler puppy on the grass. It jumped up onto the play set. What Sally had said really got me thinking. How did Amy _really _feel about me? Was I like a father figure to her, or was she just growing attached and needed some attention. I had only known her just over a week and already I was having these strange and intruding thoughts. Never before had I put 'Father' and myself in the same sentence!

But then something really did happen to change my mind.

"A-Agee!" I heard Amy screaming out to me before I heard her falling to the ground.

"Amy!!" 

**_A/N:_** Dun dun dun dunnn! I just need to say that the reviews you all gave me were so…nice, that I started writing this straight away. I've never felt so proud of my writing then now, so thank you.

Here are some honorable mentions that I just **_have _**thank individually.

_shatteredjade_

_Angefantasy_

_greeneyedgirl1 – omg! Seriously!? Thanks!_

_DBH- You've given me a really good idea for future chapters, thanks._

_dfourthhorseman_


	10. Chapter X

_Disclaimer: I've been listening to Delta Goodrem's (A big plus for being Australian) "Big Mistake" and I couldn't help but notice how well it entwines with this piece of fiction. Hmmm…A theme song maybe? Oh yeah, the disclaimer. I don't own Mrs. Macs Pies and those little stickers on all the new DVD's you buy, that smudge the title when you take them off. I hate them._

_A lot of dialogue in this chapter.___

**__**

**__**

**_Chance or Choice?_****__**

**__**

**__**

_Chapter X_

**_Taking you for granted   
in so many ways   
when I look back now   
how can I ever forget?   
you make me so happy   
the day we met_**

****

_Delta.G___

_~_

"A broken wrist. My second day with her, and she breaks her wrist. Am I really that bad?"

"Squall don't be so hard on yourself. It wasn't your fault, and like the doctor said, these things happen to kids her age _all the time_. It's just a matter of when, really. She was on the monkey bars so it's not like you could have caught her when she fell off" Quistis said.

"But I should have been _right there _with her! So when she lost balance I would have…I don't know, helped her off…"

"Then we would say you were overprotective" Cindy said. She grinned and sat down on the other side of me, sending a worried glance to Quistis. We were waiting outside the doctor's office. I sat up from the couch and started pacing outside the door. Quistis picked up a magazine and started flicking. I didn't see her leave, but when I turned around, Cindy was gone. I ignored her absence and looked in through the small window on Dr. Kadowaki's office door. No one was inside so I sat back down with Quistis.

"Did you hear anything about Laguna's opening speech to the Galbadian public last week?" She asked, he eyes still focused on the magazine.

"No…"

"He said to them, _How__ do you pronounce the Lunatic Pandora anyway? Is it the same as 'a crazy lunatic' or said like 'Luna' in reference to the moon. _Then he giggled. Can you imagine that Squall? He actually _giggled_" It seemed she was trying to break the tension that had managed to build up in that short frame of time. 

"Yes actually"

"So can I" She shook her head, smiling and continued flicking.

"Quistis…" I began.

"Hmm?"

"I know you guys all respect my privacy and you all think I have issues…but…" She looked up. "I really need to know, has Rinoa contacted any of you at all? I don't mind if you decided not to tell me. But I want to know now" Her eyes turned sympathetic and she placed the magazine down. I knew the answer.

"Squall…she did contact me _once_. But that was all. And as I know she didn't contact anyone else. I'm sorry"

Although I knew she was going to say yes, my heart sank when she confirmed it. I shook my head and ran a hand through my hair. "Its okay Quistis, I've just been doing a lot of thinking lately. About her. And I know what you said about me and my thinking, bad for my health, but I need to get over it. I need to let go"

"I can understand, really"

"No, I don't think I even do. I just want it to be the same Quisty. And what if she does come back, she said she would, and I really am still here lonely and confused and needing something to…it would break her heart. I'm letting so many people down and it's killing me. Today I even let a little girl break her wrist!"

She placed her hand on mine. "Squall, nobody's expecting anything great from you. We just want you to be yourself"

"And I haven't been … have I?" I said quietly. Feeling sorry for myself already.

"Yes. You have seemed different, and as strange this may seem coming from me and I know Selphie is going to kill me for saying it but…you act more happy, more sarcastic and lenient. I just didn't think it was in you to change so drastically"

"It _has _been a long time Quisty. You're still not over the fact I told you to talk to a wall are you? That was nearly two years ago"

She giggled and shook her head. "See! You never normally do that!"

"Yeah yeah I know. Don't rub it in. I just figured people could let me down easier if I'm just a little bit more pleasant, you know?"

"People will be overall nicer to you if you stay the way you are now, but no pretending okay?"

"Yeah…promise"

"I think you should go and burn some of your energy off in the training center. I'll page you if anything surfaces. Now go, it'll do you some good"

~

Six dozen grats later, I had only burned enough energy to fill a small shot glass.

I could hear someone else in the area as well…someone with guns and someone who, like me, needed to get away. I could tell by how many times I heard gunshots blasting. For a moment I thought it could be Irvine but then I remembered he had a 'thing' against using twin pistols. So it wasn't him. After a few minutes the sounds died down and I had guessed that whoever it was, they left.

"Hey there fellow Commander"

"Whoa!" I spun around on one heel and almost fell. Maybe I had expected a giant T-Rexuar to jump out from behind me, tap me on the shoulder, and say "Hey there fellow Commander!! Roooaaaarr! Care for a cup of coffee?" My lack of sleep was beginning to show through in my strange and twisted thinking. I mentally kicked myself.

"Hi Cindy…"

"Sorry to scare you" She giggled, "I was just burning some left-over energy on useless Grats. Didn't hear ya, aren't you going all out this time?"

"No, a lot on my mind" I shrugged.

"Oh yeah, with you know…oh and sorry about leaving so abruptly before, that med center gives me the creeps. Bad childhood vibes" She held up and hand and grinned. I had actually barely missed her absence.

"Childhood vibes? Like what?" It was overly common to have someone afraid of hospitals or anything associated. Some causes are things like deaths, past incidents and just _bad vibes._ But Cindy had approached me as a confident and outrageous type. One who would jump into a cage full of three horned T-Rexuars with a one bullet pistol – laughing. I was interested, to put it short.

"Oh you know, the usual stuff" She paused, but continued when I nodded her on, "Well, when I get thinking about it, all those machines, wires, people and instruments they have…they don't save lives – they keep it under control. I hate that because if one day I think I'm about to die, I want to actually _die_. I don't want people fussing over me, trying to control something that's just inevitable. It would give me false hope" She placed a hand to her forehead and steadied herself. I could see a bead of sweat trickle down her face and I mentally kicked myself again for poking into such a sensitive issue. 

"I'm sorry" She whispered. "I like to go into detail a lot hey? Sorry again if I sound too morbid"

"No it's fine" I was genuinely moved, "I think its fine, too. A lot of people have the same problem as you" Another mental kick. "I mean…fear…uh, issue. Sorry"

This time she laughed and picked up her pistols. "It's fine, really. I should probably head back real soon anyway; I have to call President Laguna Loire for Xu tonight. I figured I should get it done now instead"

"Oh…that moron…" I said under my breath. She tilted her head to the side but shrugged and left it.

 I was about to join her when my instincts took over and I pressed our bodies together,  pushed her down, and fell to the muddy green earth. An immensely large tail swiped above our heads. "Quick!" I gasped. We jolted up and readied ourselves. 

"Bout' time!" She yelled, still laughing. 

I stretched my arm forward and cast an ice spell on the T-Rexuar's legs. They began to freeze up to the hide and stick to the ground like glue. While the dinosaur struggled with its feet, Cindy bent low, avoided its swinging arms, and fired into its eyes. The now blind and stuck dinosaur tried uselessly to hit us with its tail and arms but I slid underneath and sliced its neck. It fell down and slammed its head into the soft leaves of a nearby plant. 

Cindy sent me a peace sign from the other side. "Let's got talk some more in the not-so-secret-anymore-area" She said. I nodded as I stepped over the dead body.

~

A brisk chill blew into our faces as we entered the yellow lit balcony. We both stepped up to the rails and looked below. The view was mildly breath-taking and green vines hung from above us and barely touched the top of our heads.

"It's nice in here. Do you come here often?"

"Whenever I need some space mostly, but most of the time it's occupied by a lot of our teenage cadets"

She nodded in understanding and leaned on the rail.

"It would have been hard, after you all of you got back" She started. 

"Got back?"

"Time compression"

I nodded. "For a while it was horrible, I have to admit. But it got better after people started to forget. After people forgot what our faces looked like and it was safe to walk the streets again, I suppose"

We stared in silence and let our eyes wander. I was enjoying the coolness and the artificial lighting (strange I know) and I had this sudden realization of who I was actually talking to. 

"But you're a Commander now too. You must know what its like"

She stepped back and laughed. "How on Earth does_ that_ compare to saving the world, defeating a sorceress – or three I might say – and going through time and space to do it all?"

"You have a good point" I smiled with her, and for a moment we simply stared at each other. It felt strange talking to someone whom I had only met barely a week ago. Talking was a big deal for me, but it felt so natural around her. She pulled a black elastic band from her wrist and used it to tie her long blonde locks of hair back out of her face. It all gathered up into her hands and sat neatly on her back, some curls bouncing on her collar as she shook her head slightly. She stepped back up to the rail and bowed her head, her expression changing to something unreadable.

Her voice was low and almost a whisper. "I would have fallen"

"What do you mean?"

"If I was with you and your team, doing all those wonderful things…I would have been killed in battle, or left behind"

I was puzzled. "Why do you say that?" I stepped toward her and tried to get a better look at her face. "Why would you have been killed?"

"It's simple. I'm not good enough. I suppose you could say I only got into SeeD on a wild-card" She paused and groaned slightly, trying to decide whether or not to tell me. I was about to dismiss it, tell her not to worry, I didn't need to know that badly if you know, she didn't want me to know…but she continued. I was glad in some ways.

"When I was sixteen I ended up in rehab for six months. A horrible time of my life where I was stuck with a bunch of freaks, the same meals everyday and a shrink to talk to whenever I said the word 'Don't'"

"Rehab…" I said it slowly. "What for?"

"Alcohol, I knew how to party…but I didn't know how to stop"  

"Oh…"

"So becoming a SeeD became that much harder. My best friend was an Official at the time so he told me to do my written test just the same and he would give me leverage on my Exam, because at that stage…everyone else wanted me to fail. They figured that since I had been  in Rehab and had problems with Alcohol, that I would never get better and I would always need some sort of 'special attention'" She wiped her eyes as a few stray tears came loose. "So I passed, proved them all wrong, and now look where I am. But Squall it's so damn different because I knew I only got in because of my friend not because of how good I am. That's why I would have been killed, that's why…" She turned away and looked out at the view. 

I wanted to say something, something that would be right for the moment. But being me, I had no idea. So I just said the first thing that came to mind. "When I was twelve I cheated on a Battle Logic test"

She started to laugh and I laughed with her. "Squall Leonheart! You of people _cheated_? I should report this to Xu immediately!" She shook her head. "Thank you. I needed that smile. So…for a change of subject, did the doctor say when Amy's wrist will be better?"

"No, I didn't get a chance to see her, but Quistis said she would page me if anything changed"

"Oh!" She started to jump on the spot, like Selphie and looked down trying to remember something. 

"You called President Loire a moron before! Why was that?"

"You don't know?"

"Don't know what?" She raised an eyebrow.

"He's my father"

She cupped her hands over her mouth and sat down on the ground, rather quickly. I stepped back as I watched her staring at me in shock. 

"That bad?"

"No no no!" She gasped. "It's just…_whoa…_you…" She stared at the ground in a daze. "That's amazing, I mean, the resemblance is uncanny" She whispered, looking me over. I held me hands up to my face. "Please don't" I chuckled. She stood back and shook her head in mild disbelief. 

"So does this mean you would rather call him?" She joked.

"Oh, hell no"

"Okay then. So I may as well get on to the whole reason why I wanted to talk to you here" She paused to look at her watch. "Since I'm going to be spending so much time with you and working with you, I think we should get to know each other a little better…so you go first"

"Is this going to be like on of those confession meetings where I stand in the middle and say, 'My name is Squall Leonheart and I sleep with teddy bears when I go to bed'?" 

She slapped me on the shoulder and recoiled back in laughter, holding her stomach. "No silly! Just tell me some stuff about your past two years since 'saving the world' or something" 

"Well, first off I joined Selphie's team on the Garden Festival. So that means I get to help set-up the inauguration ball. Interested?"

"I think I just might sign on. I'll ask her about it, but is it fun?"

"Oh sure"

"I'll be on it then"

~

I had booked it without even thinking about the consequences. My appointment with the local Garden shrink. At first I thought it would just be doctor Kadowaki, but she said she wanted a professional to talk to me, because she would be too lenient on me. 

As I waited in the very small, white room, I played with a small pen that I had nicked from the office. It was purple and blue with a tiny green bubble that floated up and down depending on what way I turned it. Amazing, a pen with blue ink but green bubbles. When the _shrink _walked in I dropped it suddenly and watched it roll under the table, over to his chair and disappear out of sight.

"Welcome Mr. Leonheart, sorry to keep you waiting" He was a very skinny, short man, with a bald head and enormous glasses that magnified his eyes by nearly ten times. He sniffed once, placed his papers down on the table and pushed his glasses up further on his nose while he read. "Dr, Kadowaki has informed me that you need to speak to me about the amount of pressure placed on you these past few months" His voice sounded like his nose was forever blocked and made me want to rip my ears out.

"Y-yes. Just with Amy and the Exam coming up, as well as the visiting Trabian Commander, Cindy, 's arrival" There was no point in messing around, the more I admitted, the faster I was out of here.

"Well let's start with Amy. I believe you _found _her?"

"That's right" Damn these people, always wanting to make me spell things out for them. I was really tempted to start saying _"Now that's, Y-E-S"_

"She seems to only feel comfort around you"

"No actually. She's warmed to another young girl by the name of Candice. Candice and her mother live in my neighborhood"

"And this is where Amy had an accident and broke her wrist?"

Gee thanks for the reminder doc. I gritted my teeth. "Yes, that's right" I placed my hands under the table and balled my fists together. He pushed his glasses further back up his nose and sniffed. I silently cursed him.

"Rinoa Heartily. What comes to mind when I say that?"

What an idiot. "Well, first thing that comes to mind is, why ask such a pathetic question? Isn't obvious what I think?"

"I don't know, that's why I'm asking you"

"Okay buddy" I leaned forward and clasped both hands together in front of me, business like. "I think about a person with dark brown hair, large brown eyes and a gorgeous smile. I think of a shooting star and I think of a large orange cat sitting on an ice cream"

"A large orange cat sitting on an ice cream?"

"Yes that's right" 

This was going to be a long day. 

~

Authors Scribbles: Ten chapters. Wow. To all those people who take the time to review, whether it be two words or twenty, you've made me continue writing. 

But, reviewers, I have to ask some of you willing to do so a favor. It's great that you like this story, but I get curious and a little conscious. Why do you like it? So if you have the time, because I know not all of us do, please include what things you hate/like about this story so far. Maybe I've been doing the dialogue all wrong and everyone is just completely OOC or the plot is going no where. Who knows? I don't, so I'd love to hear from you. 

With the best in mind. – Karla.

..~**~..R.I.P   Paul. – _I didn't know you well enough to cry, but I knew you well enough to miss you. _..~**~..


	11. Chapter XI

**_Chance or Choice?_****__**

**__**

**_And what do you think you'd understand?  
I'm a boy no, I'm a man  
you can take me and throw me away  
and how can you learn what's never shown  
yeah, you stand here and you're alone  
They don't know me, cause I'm not here_**

**_-Goo Goo Dolls "I'm Still Here"_**

****

****

Chapter XI __

The cold bit at my exposed skin. I tried in vain to pull my hood up over my face tighter, but the wind kept blowing it back. The snow collected in the pockets of my jacket, my hair, the hood and collected as a bundle at my feet. I refused to move for fear of breaking the sustained warmth I had created by simply…standing there. I could faintly see a glimpse of raven hair flash past my vision, throughout the many pieces of frozen rock that poked up from the ground in front of me. As I tried to look more closely, I heard the distinct cries of a certain someone.

"Kweh! Kweh!" My ears began to ring from the constant screeching.

"Hey! Come back here!" She yelled after it, from next to me. I turned, clenching my teeth from the bitter cold, and tried to point at where I had heard the chocobo yelling from.

"T-There" I stuttered. Rinoa nodded and ran around the corner of a few icicles. We were in the middle of a frozen canyon. Looking for a rogue chocobo that held all our gear: Our clothes, our tests, our equipment, our dignity…

I waited for at least another fifteen minutes until I built up the courage to look for Rinoa. Second missing subject. It wasn't too long before I had slipped over ten times, practically given up altogether on the warmth idea and ended up scrambling around holding onto the edges of rocks to guide my way through the canyon. The wind had picked up speed dramatically and I could hardly keep my eyes open. Panic rose in the back of my mind.

"Where are you!" I called. The wind carried my voice away behind me. I shook my head angrily and continued on, trying desperately to call out for her along the way. It turned serious when I fell down into a small crevasse and got my leg stuck. My entire leg was covered in frozen snow and rock. I tried frantically to pull it out, melt it out with a lighter (The lighter wouldn't work anyway) but nothing worked. I was completely stuck. Lost in the middle of a frozen wasteland/canyon with a chocobo on the loose and a missing girlfriend. Could things get any worse? Indeed they could.

My leg had gone numb and I lost my voice. I was shaking all over from the cold and couldn't open my eyes at all. What an honorable way to go! Found dead on a routine mission, frozen with a leg stuck in the ice! All because of chocobo that no one had time to even toilet train. My arms finally gave in and I lay down on the soft, yet deathly freezing snow and waited for the final blow to come. At that time I lost consciousness and knew no more. The next sensation I felt was a warm feeling on my cheek. When my tired eyes opened, all they saw were yellow and two black eyes. The chocobo had returned. I was too cold to do anything so I decided to go back to sleep.

"Squall!"

Or not.

"Ri…" I gasped. My final thought was the fact that she safe and alive, well maybe not safe, but alive. And for the second time that day I saw only darkness.

So many memories.

So many times together. Nearly every month Rinoa would go with me on a minor mission and we have a ball. Even

So many days that I walked the entire space of my house, _our _house, looking for something that could never be found or was not even there in the first place. I could not remember what it was or what it looked like. I could only wander with no hope and an empty mind needing some sort of peace.

I had almost given up…but something changed my mind. Garden needs me. Amy needs me. Cindy needs me too. I can't waste my time thinking about the past and dwelling on old feelings that are long gone and never to be felt ever again.

Who would have guessed moving on would be so hard.

October 27th

_Diary of Cindy Clease_

_Dear Journal,_

_Balamb__Garden__.__ What an achievement! To be here really helps me to define just how far I've come since being a washed up cadet, come from the Galbadian countryside. How many times have I read about such a glorious place, where the finest military SeeD are trained and the greatest soldiers in the world's history have originated from? Everything is so perfect, from the painted ceramics to the discipline and 'no running in the halls' rule. I'm loving it here, even if I haven't been here long. And I just know I won't ever be able to stay long enough to get the full experience of the place, because I'm dreading my return to Trabia every single day. _

_Quistis has been wonderful. She's shown me the entire Garden and given me so many tours. I'm glad to have a made a friend on the very first day I arrived. _

_But the Commander…___

_Never, in any Garden, have I met such a unique authority figure. He's smart, practical and has such a strong mind. He knows what he's doing and what he wants done, when he wants it done. (Not to mention _very _good looking!) Everyone looks up to him and the amount of achievements he has made here alone, is all I could ever dream of being compared to. It's amazing to think I'm working with him now, and in three days, we'll be working side by side at B-Garden's SeeD Exam! _

_I confessed my past to him a few days ago, and he accepted it. I've never had someone just sit there and…listen to me. He didn't criticize or blame me, he just listened and assured me. I felt so welcome…so real, so human. Why has no one else ever made me feel the way I do when I'm around him? I hardly know him. _

_At Garden I've been watching over some of the classes, speaking to junior cadets and hanging around with Squall, helping him with his basic duties. He has a little girl in the medical office to look after, Amy, as well so he has a lot of work to get through each day. I'm always trying as hard as I can to help him out. Amy is a good kid though, so he doesn't get stressed whenever he visits her. Infact, being around her calms him. Who would have ever known the Commander had a soft spot for kids? _

"Here's my timetable. It's a copy of my plans for next week after the exams. I should have got this to you a lot earlier but things are hectic" I passed a few sheets enclosed in a yellow folder over to Cindy, sitting opposite me.

"I know what you mean" Cindy smiled. It was our second meeting in the cafeteria for lunch. Only if lunch means a milkshake and a handful of paperwork. Neither of us were believers in plenty of meals regularly. She shuffled her papers and yawned.

"Don't we have a Garden Festival Committee meeting soon?" She asked.

"Yes. Selphie wants to choose the color theme for the ball and an overall theme, like a dress-up of some sort" I replied, my heart down in the pits and my voice exploiting every ounce of sleep I _missed _the previous night.

We both groaned.

"Let us pray we won't be turning up to an official Inauguration ball dressed as a bunch of pink bunnies and sunflowers" She whispered. I smiled back and looked at my watch. It had been a few hours since I last seen Amy. I had personally signed her bright pink cast and spent three hours enduring episodes of 'Sponge Bob Square Pants' and that damned suicidal octopus. Guilt had been weighing down on me a lot lately and so my way of repaying her back for letting her be hurt, was to double the time I would normally spend with her. Maybe triple would be more like it. Even though she didn't know it. She didn't realize a lot things but deep down I could always tell that she understood some of the things I would normally have to voice, by just looking at me.

"Come back Squall. I don't think I can handle talking to these papers anymore. They never give the answers required"

I jumped back to reality and nodded to acknowledge her. Her smile faulted slightly and her voice softened to a more soothing tone.

"Hey…what's on your mind?" She asked attentively, tilting her head to the side.

I hesitated and despite my normal reaction, I let down my guard and rested my head in my hands. My cool demeanor slipped away and I was left suddenly bare, sitting at the almost vacant cafeteria with a weight on my shoulders big enough to pull me to ground and bury me.

"I'm hating this" I mumbled. "I'm falling to pieces just thinking about how miserable I've become"

She rested a hand on my shoulder. "Squall…we all have our bad days" She whispered.

"For me, I think it's my bad year. Everything has gone wrong, and the worst part about it is that I can't seem figure out what I've done to make things so _wrong. _There always has to be a damned cause. Things don't happen like this without any reason!" I stopped to lower my voice. "I don't know how long I can keep going like this" She closed her eyes in thought for a minute. She thought I was talking about the stress of working, the exam and looking after Amy. All the responsibilities suddenly thrust upon me. But my mind had drifted to a completely different subject.

"It may not make you feel any better, but to try to list the things down in your head and mentally assess each one as they come to you. The more you take care of these things in your mind, the better you can cope with them when they reach reality"

She sounded like my councilor, but it was good advice.

"Thanks…I'll do that. I'm sorry I can't be too open, but I'm not ready for that yet. I already had a crack-job making me do that already"

She smiled and tidied up her papers. "Don't we all?"

I lifted my head and took out my wallet. I handed it to her and stood. "I need to be alone for a while. Can you pay the drinks and I'll meet you up in Xu's office soon so we can go through the last paperwork for the exam?"

"You sure?" She asked, motioning to the wallet.

"Of course, and thanks for listening to me babble"

"Anytime" She grinned.

I stood, nodded my head briefly and walked out of the cafeteria. I was careful to avert my eyes from the oncoming hoard of cadets running to grab their early dinner. My first intention was to go to my old dorm. I had secretly kept my dorm, even though Rinoa and I bought our house nearly half a year ago…before she left. I thought that it held some sort of a connection to myself, having spent a good while surrounded by its walls and finding the same comfort that I found when I was always alone. Also it was also a good way to stay up late to finish off work and spend the night at Garden. I was careful not to let Xu know that I had kept it, for she would immediately have me clean it out and let one of the SeeD's in waiting have it. But one of the perks of this job is the wonderful ability to keep secrets, and keep them secrets.

But then my mind drifted to Amy who, by now, I knew would be sleeping. It would be pointless to visit her if she was sleeping but I still had the urge to go and see her anyway. My practical mind took backseat for once. So when I reach the infirmary, I hid from the Doctor Kadowaki and sat silently next to her bed. Amy's bright pink cast was so fluorescent that it nearly brought a small light into the dark room, added by the glow of an _actual _'glow in the dark' pen that Selphie had used to write a message on the cast. With each day Amy welcomed more people into her little 'peer group', and although she still hated the medical staff, she didn't seem too worried to have more than two people in the room at one time. But three is crowd, and she tends to get teary if a crowd takes up her personal space.

She had her head turned to face me, sleeping soundly, amongst four different colored feather pillows. A lumpy quilt and three pink sheets draped across her tiny figure and onto the floor. Her short but shiny thin blonde hair flowed like a river across the pillow behind her. I lifted my hand to her face and tucked a stray piece of hair behind her ear. She didn't stir. I wanted her to wake up so that I could tell her all about my day, as I always did, and have her listen in awe of the fantastic adventure of how I yet again, signed another contract with the Esthar public and welcomed two new cadets to Garden. Or how I wrote up my timetable and gave the SeeD permission to begin setting up the scaffolding at the Lunar Base for the exam. She would always sit and stare so intently and giggle at the most slightest things. I admired her for the way she was so innocent in every aspect.

From that moment on I vowed to protect that innocence for as long as I could, and as I long I would ever know her. Because I knew that very soon, Garden wouldn't be able to harbor her any longer, and she would be sent off to an orphanage to be in a new home and very soon, new loving parents.

I dreaded that day now.

I rested my head on the cabinet and closed my eyes. Amy would wake up in precisely half an hour for her dinner; have a play, a bath and then go back to sleep. I pitied the way she had a such a scheduled life, and then felt sorry for her even more because when she would become an adult her life would become all the more harder and muddled, having things happen completely out of the blue for no reason what so ever.

"Agee?" A tiny voice yawned.

I quickly turned my head to face her. Her eyes were half open and she hadn't moved yet. I was careful to place my hand on her cheek and lean close, whispering; "Go back to sleep Amy, it's not time to wake up. Go back to sleep" She weakly shook her head and started to sit up.

"No Agee, Amy wake now" She pouted.

"Okay, you're the boss"

She pulled a pillow out from behind her and started to wriggle around and make herself more comfortable. I watched her for while until she had settled down and pulled the covers up to her chin. The quilt was covered in colorful chocobo's and cactuars: courtesy of Selphie.

"Warta" She yawned. I nodded and slowly stood. I slipped past the nurses yet again and got Amy a small cup of water. Once I had returned, she was asleep again, with her head to the side and a pillow resting on the ground. I smiled and placed the cup on the cabinet.

"See you tomorrow" I whispered, and left.

**_Author's Scribbles: _**Personal crisis and poor health got in the way of my writing this time. But then, we all know what a slack updater I am anyway. Thanks for reading, and remember to check my profile to find out why I haven't updated or what's going on in my writing in general. I sent out emails to some of the reviews I thought were very helpful. Some of you I couldn't get in contact with though.

Thankyou:

**UltraBeing****, bakashinji01, KiLL-Lil-ChiBi-person, TaRe-ChiBi, Maverick Point, Lady Nova the White Mage, Dark Lulu , silver-nex, Chris, Seth8, Graywords-girl, emina, annjirika, lazy shatteredjade, Verdanii, DBH**


	12. Chapter XII

**_Chance or Choice?_**

****

**A hundred days have made me older,**

**Since the last time that I saw your pretty face  
A thousand lies have made me colder**

**And I don't think I can look at this the same  
but all the miles that separate  
they disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face**

- Three Doors Down.

_Chapter XII – Exam_

"Dad!" She called after him, just after the heavy oak door to his office had closed just seconds before. It felt strange to call him 'dad' after all that had happened, but somehow it felt right now. She waited for him to come back out but after a few seconds she went inside personally.

"Dad?" She asked, peering into the room from a gap in the door. He swung around on his black leather desk chair and nodded to her.

"Come in Rinoa"

She closed the door behind her. He began to shift a few papers as he waited for her to speak and clicked open a pen. She watched him and started to trace imaginary circles on the ground with her foot and clasped her hands behind her back. She stopped suddenly and looked around the room to try and figure out what to say, or better, _how _to say it. She had come to love living in Deling and being so close to her real family…but she knew there was another place where she truly wanted to be, where her heart belonged.

"I'm going back" She said after a while, with little to no confidence.

He stopped his actions and slowly lifted his head to look her in the eye. An almost tired look crossed his features and he changed his posture to look more like a father figure. He did this by frowning worriedly and taking his glasses off to rub the lenses. She held her head high and waited for his return.

"Rinoa, you risked a lot coming here in the first place, how can you imagine going back?"

She swallowed. "I have to. I need to do what's right, dad, I need to tell him"

His face turned more worried. "Why?"

She looked down. Why did he need to know? He could live his life never knowing, it simply wouldn't affect him. But time would eventually give in to her and he would find out sooner or later. She could never live with herself, either. She could feel a tear forming in her right eye, but fought back the urge to let it fall.

"I still love him. I need to go back there and tell him why. I need to tell him it wasn't his fault" She paused to regain her posture. "Dad, being here with you and my family has been a wonderful experience. The amount of support you have given me since…" Her voice broke with emotion and the first of her tears began to fall over her cheeks. "I need him" Was all she could finally say.

"Do you trust him enough Rinoa?"

"With my life" She whispered.

"He won't hurt you?"

"No. He'd never. He cares, and I know he still does and will… even after all that's happened, he'd never hurt me…" _Even though I've hurt him so badly._

He nodded in understanding and stood, taking off his glasses again and smiling faintly.

"Do what you must. You have my support, now and always"

"Ouch…man I swear if Nida makes this thing bump one more time I'm gonna personally go up there and smack him a good one…" Zell groaned.

"Oh stop being such a woosy Zell! It's your fault for not holding onto the supports in the first place. No wonder you've hit your head three times!" Selphie laughed. She poked Zell in the stomach. He grumbled a few times and let go of his support rope again to try and sit down on the ground. Long trips often made him queasy. Cindy and myself both looked on with amusement. The Ragnarok lurched forward slightly and tilted to the side for a split second. Zell was thrown backwards and hit his head on an overhanging beam.

"Oooh…he is so dead" He growled, and made his way to the elevator. Cindy laughed and leant close to me.

"Hey Squall, wanna go upstairs?" Cindy asked, over the thrumming of the engine.

"Sure"

We unhooked our support ropes from our wrists and walked onto the elevator after Zell. When we reached our level we stepped out onto the more quiet passenger section. All seats were empty and its enormous open windows showed us a vast expanse of ocean. We were still a few hours from the Lunar Base. Cindy stretched her arms and walked up to the window. I stood beside her.

"How do you think the cadets will be?" She motioned to the water below with a nod of her head. All cadets were traveling via water crafts, much like my own Exam to Dollet.

"Maybe a few will be seasick, but they'll have a plenty of time to adjust when we arrive" True to my word, the actual Exam wasn't until tomorrow. It would give us time to set up and discuss positions. Cindy and I were both going to overlook the cadets from high above on scaffolding surrounding the Lunar Base.

She smiled and focused her attention on an island in the distance. "How did you decide team leaders?"

"Xu, Quistis and I sat down a few weeks ago and looked at the cadet's profiles and also our own personal knowledge of them. I'm pretty sure we've chosen the best" Unlike my Exam…

"What about the others?"

"Others?"

"Uh…Selphie, Irvine and Zell?"

"They don't like to be in that side of Garden with decisions like that. They like doing the work, not deciding how to. It's just the way they chose to operate…why did you ask about them?"

"Well…" She ran a hand through her bouncy blonde hair. "I just figured that since they were part of the original team that…stopped Time Compression I would have thought you did things together all the time. Well, most of the time anyway. Aren't you still a team?"

I smiled slightly. "Yeah…we are. The A grade group of Seed's that's considered 'above the rest'. You can imagine how it plays sometimes. It has its cons and pros…but we head in different directions sometimes"

Cindy grinned and continued looking outside. "Must be nice…" She muttered. We stood in silence for a while before she looked down, with a puzzled look on her face. I noticed and turned my attention back to her.

"What is it?" I asked.

"I was just thinking…weren't there…six of you originally in the team? I'm just so sure I was told there were six"

This time I looked away. So finally, I was to tell her the part about myself I had tried to cover up from everybody for nearly five months. It wasn't much of a big deal, but I felt as if telling Cindy about Rinoa…would somehow change the way she saw me. Whether it was bad or good. I was afraid people would think I did something to hurt Rinoa. Was that being selfish?

"Rinoa Heartily" I said, with little to no confidence. She didn't seem to notice and smiled, with sudden realization.

"That's right! I remember now. She was a client…from Timber, then she joined you when things got rowdy and she just…stayed. Yes, I remember now" She paused and looked confused again. "Whatever happened to her?"

"She…" I stopped to find the right words. "…was at Garden for a while, then she left about five months ago. We're not sure why though"

"She just…left?"

"Yeah"

"Oh…she was that girl I…never mind" She looked away quickly. I was quick to touch her on the shoulder lightly and tempt her to continue.

"She was what?" I said softly.

"I saw a photo of her in your wallet…when you gave it to me, remember?"

"Yeah I do"

"I just realized, that's all"

Somehow I felt I owed her an apology. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you. She lived with me for a while before she left. We had been…" What was the word? A couple? Together? Mutually bonding? "…dating, and I haven't seen her since she left"

"Oh…god. I'm so sorry" She bit her lip. "I'm sure pity is something you really don't need, after so long" She said, sympathetically. "I just had no idea" She smiled. "Thanks for telling me. It's nice to know so much about you, without out even knowing you, you know?" She grinned again looked out the window. "Just…thanks for sharing so much with me"

"No problem. Thanks for being a good ear"

We both laughed.

It was night, and the Lunar Base was only an hour away. I was alone, in a small room used for paperwork storage aboard the Ragnarok. It had a small desk and chair, with cabinets closing in on me covered in scattered documents. A swinging lantern above me produced the only light.

I held my wallet in my left hand looking at a photo of Rinoa, and in my right hand…my journal. I turned to one of the more recent pages. I often read back on my journal to help me keep up with my thoughts. But writing in it everyday I avoided. It wasn't a most enjoyed past time. I frowned, as I looked back on a later page, written about Rinoa…

_By saying she, I'm meaning Rinoa Heartily. I thought she was my match. I thought we would live happily ever after in that normal life I'm so happy to keep mentioning. But I was wrong. Obviously saving her life countless times, and might I remind you, that includes jumping out into space for her, flying around on a …Galbadian thing…to save her from the side of a mobile Garden and fighting an evil sorceress to get her out. These are just some of the things I did for her. I bet not once did she ever look back and think…maybe he really cares for me? Is that why he kept saving me all those times?_

I almost smiled. Looking back on what I wrote…it really put me back in the same mind I had when I wrote that entry. Without a second thought, I tore it out. I read it once more in my hand and tore it up in a few smaller pieces. I watched them float down to the bin with a smile. I had been angry when I wrote it. Too angry. My thoughts were in the wrong place, and I know she still cared about me, always and still does. What I wrote was wrong and I been wrong to accuse her of not caring. I needed to get my priorities straight. So I opened up a new fresh page…

_Diary of Squall Leonheart_

_October 30th_

_Cindy Clease…Cindy Clease. What a unique person. Truly, a very unique person. I know she's hiding something. Something big. She's cheerful and a genuinely nice person, but she doesn't talk about herself very much, not that I talk about myself either, but that's just me. I give her credit for telling me about her alcohol incident though. That would have taken courage. I like her as a good friend now, I trust her and respect her. She's willing to learn from me and I think she'll be a good help in the Exam. She's not the type to get in the way. I only like her as a friend, I don't want things getting complicated. The last thing I need now is to fall for someone else. I mean, Rinoa and I haven't exactly broken up._

_Have we?_

_Does having her not call, not trying to get in contact, leaving me no messages and not trying to visit me or leave me any indication of her return…considered a break up?_

_Sounds pretty bad.___

_But I have faith. A little, next to none…but its something. I just hope that where ever she is she's happy and that I can move on and be happy too. But one thing I don't want is to never see her again. If we're not meant to be together, then heck, we need to be friends. We have to. _

_If I move on…who am I supposed to be with?_

_Cindy?_

_No…at least I think not. No, bad thoughts. Very bad thoughts. Again, the very, very last thing I need is a love triangle. Please…no._

_Going, got a headache._

I closed the book and groaned, rubbing my temple with a free hand. I hated not knowing what to feel. Eventually that night I fell asleep on the desk, surrounded by paperwork and files.

**_Author's Scribbles: _**I bet you all didn't expect to see this update so soon! I was so overwhelmed by the response I've been getting for this story that…I just felt like I was letting you all down by not updating! Things have been hectic, but thanks to a few kind words from reviewers and wonderful help, I'm back on track.

Special Thankyou's:

**_Seth8_** – Gotta thank you! You're help so far has been so greatly appreciated and I really enjoyed our talk before. Thanks!

**_amyloverofsquall/riona_** – Haha, you're such an awesome reviewer. That's so nice of you to leave such a lovely review, I felt real special. Thankyoooo!

**_Hi_** – That was so nice of you to review so many chapters as you read it, I really appreciate it. Thanks.

**_Barr_** – I agree. But this story doesn't really have…a thickened plot. But trust me, some seriously awesome stuff is on the way. I just hope this is a…feel good story mostly. Thank you!

**_Firefly-Dreams_** – How sweet of you! You read it all in one go, that's really really totally sweet of you. Thanks for such a nice review.

**_UltraBeing_** – I'll be sure to check it when I have the time. Thanks for reading!

**_Lady Nova the White Mage_**- Thanks for the great hints, very useful. You're a great reviewer!

I'd like to say a very special thankyou to the anonymous reviewer, that left such a…touching review. It's great to here a response like that from you, and if your still reading, I'm so glad you took the time to read through it so carefully. Thankyou and good luck with everything.

_Even though I may not have thanked all of you personally, you are all very very awesome and I really appreciate every one of you. Time for me to hit the bed. So tired. _

****

**_Snowecat_****_, Verdanii, amyloverofsquall/Rinoa, Hi, sweetiegirl84, fanoff, pimpsy, Barr, Goo Goo Doll, BakaShinjio01, Firefly-Dreams, Karaoke Risa, DBH, Seth8, Ultrabeing, Lady nova the white mage, Silver Nex, Spaceddemon, lendmemoni, Anjirika, _**


	13. Chapter XIII

**_Chance or Choice?_****__**

**__**

**_It's been raining since you left me,_**

**_Now I'm drowning in the flood._**

**_You see I've always been a fighter,_**

**_But without you I give up._**

-Bon Jovi, _Always_

_Chapter XIII _

Three boats sat in knee deep water, anchored the ground with ramps leading into the shallow salty waves. Numerous squads of SeeD hopefuls piled onto the shores of the Estharian continent, some with happy faces and some with green. I watched with unnoticeable amusement as Cindy held back the hair of a female cadet, who was throwing up into a red bucket. Tim, a sixteen year old cadet, stood to the right of me leaning on the side of one of the boats. I had personally recommended Tim, once I had been given the chance to watch a few of the classes and training programs, and made sure to have him at the exam.

"Hey cadet" I walked up to him, smiling. He nodded slowly but immediately straightened to attention when he saw me.

"Commander" He said, warily.

"As you were Tim. Sea sick?"

"Yeah…" He mumbled, slouching back against the boat. "I'm glad the exams are tomorrow"

"Me too" I yawned. I hoped my attempt to be as friendly as possible was working. I remembered what Quistis said very well. _No more pretending._ The last of the boats had arrived and two more groups were marching their way onto the beach. I noticed Xu there as well and waved. She had decided not to take the Ragnarok and preferred traveling with the cadets to give the more under experienced more briefing. She walked over to me, shaking sand off her boots. Tim attempted to salute but lowered his hand again when a wave of nausea crept over him. Xu acknowledged him with a nod.

"Have a good trip Squall?"

"Good enough. You?"

"It was okay, but from now on I'll leave sea faring to the white SeeD" She said with a smile. In the last few minutes the sky had turned orange with the setting of the sun. Nightfall was fast approaching.

Arkward silence.

"So…" I started, "Any expectations for tomorrow Xu?"

"Huh?" She looked up, surprised at my sudden beginnings of a conversation. "Well, uh, I'm hoping to have atleast ten cadets pass…seeing as we have so many here. You?"

"I think so too…" I rubbed my forehead. Conversations were tricky things at times.

"We need to be moving by at least dark. Two squads to a vehicle" I said, giving up and motioning to a long line of Estharian cars. Xu nodded and left to gather up the cadets. I turned back to Tim.

"You were assigned as a driver, right?"

"Yes sir"

"Are you still up to it?"

"Yes, I am sir" He saluted also and followed Xu. I leaned my back against the side of the boat, my legs half submerged in water. Cindy walked off the beach and into the water to join me.

"Are you okay?" She said.

"Yeah…I'm fine. Just a little worried"

"Worried?" She cocked her head to the side. I smiled slightly. She looked…cute…when she did that. I mentally kicked myself. _Cute?_Since when did I think like that?

"The cadets. They're all so…"

"Young?"

"Inexperienced was the word I was looking for, but yeah, young too. I was seventeen when I did my exam See that girl over there?" I pointed to a strawberry blonde cadet getting into a car with her mates.

"She's only fifteen"

"Wow…" She raised her eyebrows.

"Exactly"

"But you helped choose them…what's the age limit?"

"Fifteen, but that's not up to me, I choose who goes but not how old they have to be. Xu decided that if they really were good enough to be here then age shouldn't stop them"

She nodded. "That's a good point. And because of that this is the biggest turn out for an exam in Balamb history…so that's a good thing right?"

"Right"

We both looked toward the sunset. Somehow conversation seemed an easier task with Cindy, it felt much more natural. Her hair became outlined in a golden glow and the ripples in the water, mixed with the colors of the setting sun, looked like a river of gold. I smiled and ran my hand through it, brushing my hand with hers slightly. She looked down and took my hand, interlocking our fingers together and holding them still in the water. Our eyes met.

"Squall! Has anyone seen Squall?"

"Xu! I'm over here!" I called, letting go of her hand and looking over to the beach.

Xu spotted us and waved. "Do you actually _want _to get a cold you two? Because I am _so_ not giving you sick-leave! Now get over here!" She laughed. We both started to wade our way up to the shore and walk towards our designated vehicle. The Estharian cars were large and heavy, and commonly known as 'cattle-trucks', with their large covered trays used for transporting troops…or in our case…cadets. Cindy and myself both slipped into the front of a car. I drove and she prepared her directing tools. It was a long drive from here to Esthar Lunar Base, so we needed to be right on schedule.

"Are we on schedule?" I asked.

"No…not at the moment. Way behind as a matter of fact" Cindy yawned.

Well…we were _supposed _to be on schedule.

"Squall…I think I'm dead…seriously. Night time is supposed to be cold" Cindy groaned, and waved her map in front of her face, to blow more air around. A few hours had passed and the temperature had risen dramatically.

"You think _your_ dead? Somehow I think _they_…" I pointed behind me, motioning to the cadets in the back, "…are more dead than you" I laughed.

"Good point" She breathed. "How much longer? Or should I say, how far have we traveled?"

"We have approximately…one hundred and thirty kilometers to go and we have traveled sixty"

"Wonderful. Does this mean we do a change over very soon?"

"Yes"

She sat upright and placed her map on the dashboard. She seemed to be waiting for something, but I took no notice and focused my eyes forward, not that I needed much concentration anyway, as the road was dead straight. This entire area had become extinct of any animal or monster long ago.

"Tired?" She asked.

"Yeah. Why?"

"You just don't seem too talkative that's all" Conversation issues, I wanted to say. She stretched, yawned, untied her hair, leaned back on her seat and closed her eyes.

"A lot on my mind" I said after a while. She smiled and opened her eyes, grinning and obviously glad she had received some form of communication from me.

"Now, I'm going to try a very lame attempt at sparking up a conversation between us ok? So bare with me"

A lame attempt at a conversation…a thought that was my job? "Ok"

She cleared her throat and turned her body to face me, pulling on her seat beat to loosen it, and curling her legs up under her. "You remember yesterday when we were looking at some of the profiles of a few cadets, and you were showing me how to distinguish different skills and yada yada…"

"Yes…"

"Well, after we had finished and you left, I went to the infirmary and saw Amy"

My interest level perked up. I had seen Amy before I left, to say goodbye. I remember now the look on her face…her eyes welled up with tears and her bottom lip had begun to tremble. She had called out 'Agee! Agee peas no go!'

"She's getting a lot better with her…um…shyness, you know? She doesn't get so upset when ever she sees people. So like, I went in and saw her and at first she looked as if she was about to cry…but then I think she sussed me out and decided I was one of the good guys. We played 'hide the teddy' for an hour, can you believe it? _An hour! _We had so much fun! Selphie joined us and we read a few picture books to her. She's so adorable, don't you think?" She said.

"Sure" Another mental kick. I had to keep reminding myself that _sure _just wasn't an adequate response.

"After she fell asleep I went back to my dorm and saw her again the next morning and helped the nurses give her a bath. But you know the cutest part of my lovely tale?" She grinned widely. "She was asking for you the whole time…" She imitated Amy's voice. "Where Agee? Agee ere! Agee…"

I looked downcast for a moment. I had wanted to go see her in the morning but I had too much preparation to do and I was tired. I knew I wasn't much fun when I was tired, so I decided not to go. But at that moment, I regretted it.

"I told her that you would visit her later" Cindy continued. "Did you end up seeing her at all that day?"

"Yes I did before I left. That's okay right?"

"Of course it is"

She yawned again and looked out her window. Another hour or so and we would swap so she could drive, although it seemed she was more tired than me. I watched her as she rubbed her eyes and fiddled with a piece of stray hair, twirling it around her finger, all the time with her head faced away from me. After a while her head lobbed to the side and her eyes closed. She would quickly open them all of the sudden, look entirely awake … and then slowly drift back to sleep. I watched her every so often and she seemed to be dreaming peacefully. As the night dragged on, the road became less and less interesting with every passing second and I contemplated talking to myself until my watch beeped three times…signally the time for me to pull over and change drivers. As I stopped on the side of the road, all other cars behind followed suit and eventually there were seven cars all lined up in a row.

Building up enough courage, I stepped out into the chilly night, being careful not to disturb the sleeping Cindy. It was silent. Either only the drivers were game enough to leave the warmth of the vehicle or the passengers and cadets were all asleep. I hoped it was the latter, the cadets needed their sleep. While the drivers stretched, had a cup of coffee, and spoke quietly, Xu, myself and Tim met together. Xu smiled, looking very awake, but Tim merely nodded slowly, his eyes drooping.

"Morning happy campers" Xu began, "Have a nice drive?"

Tim yawned in response and I nodded. She winked and cleared her throat. "So Tim, who's taking over for you?"

"Umm…I think Lauren is. Apparently she drunk like, five cups of coffee and now she's too high-strung to sleep" His voice was monotone and sleepy.

"Good, how about you Squall?" She looked around briefly. "…where's Cindy?"

"Sleeping" I answered. "I don't mind, I can continue on till we get there"

"Sure?"

"Positive, its better than waking her and getting her to drive. She'll be too sleepy still"

"Good point. Well then that's you two sorted out…phew…its freezing" She rubbed her hands together, then placed an arm on Tim's shoulder.

"Let's find Lauren and get you to sleep. See you when we get there Squall" They both started walking back towards Tim's car. I stretched my arms above my head and looked up to the stars. They looked so much better out here, with no lights around me to interfere with their brightness but the moon. I smiled … but my smile faltered when I saw a streaming light spread across the night sky and disappear just as quickly as it appeared. A shooting star. I looked back down to the ground and frowned.

"I'm trying…" I said to no one in particular. "I really am" I thought for a moment…

"Idiot" I breathed, and walked to my car. I stepped up to Cindy's window. She smiled in her sleep and whispered something. I smiled back and placed a hand on the glass.

"Good night Cindy" I mumbled, white air escaping into the night air as I spoke, like mist. I shivered and pulled my long, thick, SeeD standard coat more tightly around me. An engine started somewhere behind me so I took it as my cue to and walked around to my side. As my hand touched the glossy steel handle of my door, it sent a sudden chill down my spine. I cringed momentarily…then opened it and stepped in.

And so continued the highly interesting drive.

**_Authors Scribbles : _**Not entirely happy about this chapter, but hey, what I can say? Hope you can still stick with me and my irregular updating. It's the reviewers that keep my moral boosted, so thankyou.

_amyloverofsquall/riona__(Thanks for the emails and encouraging words, very nice of you) Graywords-girl (Thanks, great to know) Kill-Lil-ChiBi-Person (Your review made me happy, so thanks, it was very special and your right, we will just have to wait around and see) Hi (Thanks for thanking me for thanking you for your review…haha, thankyou again!) UltraBeing (So nice of you to say, I still haven't checked out your story yet but I will soon! Thankyou) silver-nex (Thankyou!!) lazy shatteredjade (I actually love them! So fun to write and read, but hey that's my opinion. Glad to know I'm doing okay and thankyou so much for reviewing) Karaoke Risa (Don't worry! And thankyou) enIIgma-chan (Lol, good point, Thanks) Firefly-Dreams (Hits your computer Gimmi back my review! Hehehe, thanks for such a nice review) Seth8 (Hi Seth! Thanks for all the help and the review) DBH (…Can't say whether or not your wrong or not, but it will surprise you, trust me! Thankyou so much for reviewing) Annjirika (You screamed?! Yayness! Great reaction! Thank you sooo much! Lol) Verdanii (I wonder too…hehe, thanks!) JadeAlmasy ( Thankyou so very much, you left such a kind review! Thanks) _

Only a week to go until holidays! And you know what that means…


	14. Chapter XIV

**_Chance or Choice?_****__**

**__**

_Chapter XIV_

_"Side by side_

_We fought like heroes_

_Statues in the light_

_Our weapons_

_Become our tools of justice_

_As we led our team to war"_

"…And above all, please remember _to stay in your assigned Squad_" Xu finished her speech with a few nods of approval from the audience of cadets and received quite a few worried glances. I stood behind her, with Cindy at my side, in the undercover tent that had been set up by a few Estharian volunteers. Xu dismissed the SeeD hopefuls and spun around to face us.

"Tough crowd" Cindy commented.

"I agree. It's like they've never even been on one of these things before" Xu replied, running a hand through her hair.

"If I may comment" I asked, "They actually haven't"

"Quiet you!" Xu laughed, "I've had quite enough of your cheek for one day. Any more and you can join them on their exciting monster hunt. Now I think there may be some assessment papers in Tent A for you to pick up so get a move on!" She waved us both out.

"Oh, I'm trembling with anticipation" I droned.

It was exactly four hours until the beginning of the exam. Nearly all cadets were getting themselves organized and equipped. Numerous SeeD stood on the side, watching over them, so Cindy and I grabbed our paperwork and stood on top of the scaffolding. We were placed right next to the main warehouse, where seven vicious Behemoths were caged. Waiting to be let loose. I closed my assessment book with a sigh and looked over the 'battlefield'.

"I don't think we should be too hopeful" I mumbled.

"What do you mean?" Cindy asked.

"This isn't going to work out. It should be live action battle, with a real life crisis. Not a monster hunt. How is this supposed to show their skill?"

"Unfortunately, the world can't always be riddled with war at the exact times you need it to be, Squall. So terribly unfortunate" Cindy giggled, and patted me on the shoulder in mock sympathy.

"Yes yes…" I sighed. "I suppose it was just coincidence Dollet just happened to be at war with Galbadia when I had my Exam…but that made it all the more realistic! It was an actual event that we would normally be required to assist in as SeeD. It just made more sense"

"So perhaps instead of doing this, the cadets should be out helping the Shumi Village with its insect infestation and protecting their crops from giant snails. That's a real life crisis, right?"

I looked up, half shocked and half amused, "You're making fun of me?"

"No _darling_", she sing-songed, "I'm _mocking _you"

I sighed and decided to give up. Women. Too difficult at times. So instead, we sat down on the railing, our papers in our hands and looked over the edge. No one was in sight. Everyone was at their designated areas, all ready to go. I could already hear the monsters rattling in their cages. My radio crackled, by my side.

"_Squall…you all set?"_

"As set as I'll ever be"I replied.__

I placed it back by my side as more radio checks were done. It seemed the exam was to start three hours early, which was a relief.

* * *

HE COULD almost here a loud 'thud' as his sweat drops hit the pavement.

"Stop worrying Tim…" A strawberry blonde girl behind him was saying, "It'll be fine. They chose you because they know you can do this! Have a little faith" She placed a hand on his shoulder, in an effort to comfort him. He wiped his forehead with a shaking hand. He had never been so scared and excited before. In actual fact, he wasn't sure if it was possible to have the two mixed feelings at once.

"I'm trying….I really am. I'm just a little nervous. I can't let him down"

"Who?"

"The Commander. Squall. He's the one who convinced me to come, and made me squad leader. He thinks I can do it"

"If he thinks you can do it, and we think you can do it…then by all means _you can! _All you need to do is believe it for yourself!"

"I will…I will" He breathed. The exam hadn't started yet, but he could feel the eyes of the assessors staring at him already. Watching him for his every mistake. He was partly in charge of the life or death of his squad. And they knew it. He closed his eyes as a gun shot sounded. Its blast echoed around the base, and resounded in the open warehouses, where numerous monsters had been let loose on a rampage. Their thundering hooves, claws and feet came in the form a thousand pounding rhythms.

It scared the hell out him even more.

"Move out!" He yelled, his voice suddenly clear of any panic. Two other squads had begun moving into the center, where a collection of Blobra's, Buel's and Funguar had gathered. The real fighting began.

"Kill what you need! Don't dawdle on the useless ones!" Tim yelled. His squad members split, heading for their own personal kills. He looked around him for something to show off his skill. Two cadets were in the corner, killing off a few Grats and another two were running from an Imp. These were too insignificant, he needed a real test. A real fight.

_Challenge yourself. That's where greatest likes to come out from hiding. _

"Your right Squall, I need a challenge" He spotted a Grendel. "Perfect"

* * *

"CHALLENGE yourself…come on" I whispered. So far I had failed eighteen people. Facing a grat or an imp and then running away was not SeeD material. We had purposely put easy monsters into the mix, to help us sort through the brave and the weak.

An Adamantoise lay by itself, behind a corner. No one had noticed it yet. It was famous for its 'lay and wait' tactic. A group of female cadets, who had recently been victorious in defeating six Glacial Eyes, had begun to run around the side of the building. In a few moments they would come face to face with the Adamantoise. I was hopeful, that they would fight it and come out successful. Not enough to pass yet, but they would be close.

"Becky!" I heard one scream. "Run!" As soon as they made contact, a strawberry blonde pig-tailed girl stopped in mid stride and bolted back around the other side into the safety zone. Two others stopped and looked at each other, contemplating their chances. The one supposedly named 'Becky' joined her retreating friend. Only three were left. Enough to face it together, and a great amount of points if they won.

Another ran. Still, they had a good chance with two people. It wasn't impossible.

Then the fourth ran.

I put my papers down and sighed.

"Just run…" I whispered, "It's over"

The last girl left from the original five, spun around to join her friends. I instantly failed the first two girls that had decided to bolt. Leaving your team mates was no exception. It lessened their chances and put more pressure on them to forfeit and destroys their chances of getting a high win.

"Makes you wonder why they bothered coming hey" I said, sitting down on the side, with my legs dangling over.

No answer. I looked to my side, expecting to see Cindy.

No Cindy.

"Uh…Cindy?" I looked below me but she wasn't down on the ladder. Not behind me or anywhere along on the rails. She had vanished.

"I'm here!" I heard her call. She was standing on top of the warehouse roof. I walked over, hearing the iron sheets groan with the added weight.

"What are you doing up here?" I asked.

"Getting a close look at Tim. He's fighting a Grendel"

I looked on with sudden interest. "Good on him"

We both looked down. Sure enough, there was Tim. Winning his fight so far. He was alone too, which earned him more points. We both looked on, amazed. All thoughts of my Adamantoise had vanished. I was intently focused on watching as Tim placed his finishing blows.

That's how I knew it was my fault.

We both heard it. Like a loud thunderous roar. The sound came first, then the sudden vibrations and the rocking of the iron beneath out feet.

The Adamantoise had been challenged, and like so many do, it thrust its tail upon the warehouse, sending the entire building into a shaking frenzy. We both lurched back and fell onto the mid section of the roof. The plating had become loose and spaced from the sudden movements. We tried to steady ourselves, but it was hopeless as a hole seemed to form right before our very eyes. The internal frame had collapsed and the roof caved in. I reached for the scaffolding and I expected Cindy to do the same. The iron sheets gave way and I simply hung in mid air, before hoisting myself up onto the scaffolding rail. I turned around to help Cindy up.

But she wasn't there.

She was gone.

I panicked.

"Cindy!" I yelled, "_Cindy!_" My voice was so quiet, as the rage of fighting continued down below. It was if no one could hear me. I couldn't radio for help as it had come off during the fall. A gaping hole stood in the center of the warehouse roof, where I knew Cindy had fallen. I stepped onto the remaining section and looked in. Sure enough she lay there, unconscious on top of a pile of rubble. Not knowing what else to do, I dropped myself in, praying that all the Behemoth had been let loose already. I crawled over to her after landing. She stirred slightly. A patch of blood and matted dirt lay on the side of her face.

"Squall…I think I hit…" She trailed off, as her head lobbed to the side. Her eyes fluttered a few times before closing completely. I placed both my hands on her shoulder and shook her slightly. She groaned but said nothing.

"Cindy? Stay awake. Come on, come back" I begged, "I need to get you out of here okay? So don't fall out on me. Open your eyes, say something" I held her hand, and squeezed it, hoping to get some sort of reaction out of her. But she refused to move. She was blacked out cold.

"Damn" I placed a hand under her head and lifted her up so I could hold her gently in my arms. I inspected her wounds more closely. She was bleeding from a few scratches on the side of her face and her arms seemed bruised. I tore a piece of material off my shirt and wrapped it into a ball to stop the blood flow. She flinched as I pressed it down.

"Hey, it's just me" I whispered, and her eyes snapped open.

"What? I…ouch" She tried to lift her arms but stopped as she realized how much pain she was in. Her face tightened in agony and she let her body relax slightly, trying to let the injuries settle. Holding the shirt piece with one hand, I used the other to clear her hair away from her face. She looked back up at me.

"Thanks" She muttered. It clearly hurt for her speak.

"Just…doing a days work" I chuckled, "Besides, there's plenty more for me to do. It's not actually as boring down here as you think"

"Sure, what else…is there to… amuse you?"

"Dust…mothballs…spider webs and dirt. You name it" I was trying to keep her occupied. I needed her to stay awake for as long as possible. She just smiled and pulled her hand up to mine, where it was busy clearing the blood from her face. She linked hands with me and sighed.

"I'm getting a head-ache…I'll blackout again soon"

"No, I'll keep you awake" I reassured her, "I can be interesting when I need to be"

"Thanks but I'm…so tired"

"Don't sleep! Just…talk to me" I lifted her hand and held it with both of my own. I squeezed it lightly to emphasis my point. Her head began to lob back and I held her closer to me.

"Cindy come on, just a little longer"

"But how long…can you stay…with me?"

"As long as it takes"

* * *

TIM WATCHED with a smile on his face as the Grendel writhed in pain, rolling around on the ground a few times before perishing into a pile of ashes. He sheathed his blade and ran a hand through his hair. There was no doubt in his mind that maneuver would have earned some nice points. SeeD didn't look so far away after all. He was about to head back out into the field, away from the warehouse, when all hell literally broke lose. He almost lot his footing as the entire structure of the warehouse's tin frame began to wobble and its roof caved in, like a massive cake, with its center gone soft. He ran back, as dust blew up in his face causing him momentary blindness. When the vibrations ceased he waited until all had settled.

"Shi-" He pulled himself up. "Hey…what about the…?"

The Behemoths.

He knew all too well how they had been caged in that very warehouse. Only three had been let loose out of a possible seven.

"_Cindy!" _

Tim looked up as he heard his Commander shrill voice cut through the air. He sounded far away and very high up. He tried squinting but he could see nothing. What could have happened? Fallen perhaps? He noticed how large a dent had been made in the roof. It did after all look pretty massive…

I NOTICED the disturbing feeling of an unknown presence coming from all around us, telling me that we were most certainly not alone. I placed Cindy's hand down and looked her in the eyes. She blinked a few times and frowned, her expression asking me: What's wrong? I simply stared at her, completely silent and still. She looked behind me and I saw her eyes widen. I then knew my worst fear at that present moment had been confirmed. Four Behemoth, disturbed and angry from the sudden and violent vibrations began to tromp towards us, closing in like their circle of prey. I gently lay Cindy back down and stood, standing over her protectively. I unsheathed my Gunblade and prepared myself. Unless I was due for a miracle, we couldn't survive this. Not alone.

In what I thought to be _complete control, _I waved my Gunblade around in front of me, trying to intimidate them. They heaved and growled, steam bellowing from their nostrils. Two of them looked lazy and unprepared to do any full launched attacks, but the other two were psyched and ready to go. They were the ones that stomped their hooves and dug into the ground with their horns, all the while keeping their eye on us. Beneath me Cindy stirred, her eyes flickering open and shut.

"Don't move Cindy…" I whispered, "Just stay down" I bent down low and placed a hand on her forehead, trying to calm her. She stiffened at the touch but then slowly rested and became still.

I wasn't sure if she had heard me, perhaps she had, but she stopped moving completely and kept her eyes closed. I knew how hard it must have been. Her injuries weren't serious but it was enough to put her through a significant amount of pain. The gap in the roof aloud a stream of sunlight to filter down on us both, creating a sort of spotlight affect. While we were doused in light, the monsters creeped in from all sides out of the darkness. I tried to focus on them all but I had too much to concentrate on. From outside I could gunfire, roaring, yelling and the sudden explosion or two. It was small and it was no war, but it was enough to divert my attention. The warehouse door was open but the Behemoth blocked my view of the outside and anyone peeking in would see nothing but darkness and dust. Of course no one was, for they were around the other side, out of the way of so many large warehouses. They were out in the action, getting themselves as many fights as possible. On top of that I needed to keep Cindy safe. She was out of action and no help here. It would definitely take a lot to get us out of this mess…

"Squall!"

The advancing monsters stopped dead in their tracks.

I looked past them and through the darkness I saw a figure, silhouetted in the sunlight. He held his arm up and crackling sheet of sparks appeared above my head. They exploded into thousands of fluorescent flames, biting and nipping at the heels of my attackers. Outraged, the Behemoth charged with their heads down and their eyes aimed directly ahead. My blade pierced through the belly of one and a lightning strike appeared out of nowhere and threw another down to the floor in an eruption of dust and dirt. I triggered and jumped back as the Behemoth I had sliced repelled back and fell to the floor with its insides literally blast out into nothing. The remaining two had escaped through a gaping hole in the side of the warehouse. I rested the tip of my blade on the ground and waved at Tim, my rescuer, who was still standing at the entrance.

"Are they gone?" I heard Cindy whisper from behind me. She was sitting up leaning on her arms.

"Yeah" I replied, looking up at the person walking towards us both, "All Thanks to Tim" I nodded in his direction and grinned.

* * *

It's alive!

I'm back to full health, my broken finger is healed (due to a door jam, yeouch!) and I have school holidays. Not to mention plenty of time off work. Thanks for reading this chapter. Please take the time to review and let me know if you're still interested in reading and what you think of it so far, I love hearing from everyone! See you all in my next update (currently in the works already). P.S - Shatteredade, continue Loaded Dice, the starting chapter was great!

Hanging in there - Karla

Special Thanks to Seth8 for the encouragement.


	15. Chapter XV

**_Chance or Choice?_**

_Chapter XV_

_**Things base and vile, holding no quantity**_

_**Love can transpose to form and dignity.**_

_**Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind,**_

_**And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.**_

* * *

****

Reality hits us all very hard sometimes. We never see it coming, when we're lost, afraid and confused. Sometimes the pain cuts too deep and the hurt never leaves you after you get a big slap across the face when you finally see the fine line between what you want to see and what you don't. You can hold your head in your hands, scream to the sky and ask the question over and over again.

Why?

But it will never change anything. It never does. Because no one is ever there answer your call.

When all I could see was white and the sheer cold bit into my skin like a pack of wild dogs to the point of nearly fainting, I realized I had to turn around. Cindy was hurt and freezing to death the same as I was and yet I could do nothing to prevent it. It was in moments like these that I had to turn around, walk back, and give up on being a hero. It was moments like these that I was reminded of reality.

I rested against a nearby tree, as the wind picked up around me, blowing snow, leaves and twigs around in all directions making it even more impossible to see. I knew time was running short, because my carefully made trail behind me, of melted ice - that I had created by pouring a bottle of hot water out along the ground behind me - was quickly fading. I breathed deep, placed my grey scarf around my mouth and started to crawl on my hands and knees keeping the trail in clear sight. I weaved my way around skinny, thick and fragile looking dead trees. The forest took on a completely new identity at night, with the temperatures low and the wind howling in every nook and cranny. Breathing became more and more of a difficult task as I felt the cold gripping at my every attempt to inhale. It seemed I was not gulping in oxygen, but the stale air, frozen from hanging in the wind for too long. My arm ached on the inside and had long gone numb on the outside, as too had my legs. Even through the thickness of my three gloves, my hands trembled as they struggled to keep me up. Every so often I wiped my goggles clear to stop them fogging over to the extent that I could neither feel or see anything in my way. The ground beneath me froze over in thin sheets of ice, topped off with light fluffy snow that hid the deep potholes that I slipped into over and over again, nearly breaking my ankle. My hope was fading fast until I saw a dark figure on the ground up ahead. A fallen thick tree branch acted as a shelter for the person resting under it, covered in layers of thick blanket and sleeping bag.

Cindy lay still, her face turned away from me and one arm lying by her side in the snow. Her dark blue beanie, scarf and goggles covered her entire head, so I couldn't tell if she was asleep, awake…

Or even dead.

"I'm here" I called and stumbled over to her. Panicking I pulled back her scarf and placed my fingers on her neck. I sighed with relief when I felt her weak, but steady pulse. She groaned slightly but did not move. I placed a hand on her cheek.

"Let me see" I whispered. She pulled her sleeping bag more tightly around herself and closed her eyes in pain. Slowly, I pulled it back, took off a thick blanket and pulled back her clothes to reveal her bruised midsection. Broken ribs. I lowered my head slightly and covered her back up, placing an extra blanket on top and resting my arm over her, lying next to her to keep in more warmth. "They'll come" I said, softly. "They'll find us…and it'll all be okay"

There was no point in me being hopeful of our rescue. No one knew where we were, why we had left and to think about it… why would anyone go out in the middle of the night in the Trabian wilderness in the middle of winter? I closed my eyes, held onto to her with false hope and waited for death.

* * *

4 Days Earlier

* * *

It was awkward… to say the least.

Just yesterday I had been sitting in the dark comforting my injured comrade, holding her hand and begging her to stay awake while fending off a pack angry Behemoths. Now I was standing outside her tent in the heat trying to think of what to say to her. It was a sad sight. I had been pacing up and down, waiting for the right moment to go in and see her, muttering to myself. I suppose my nervous demeanor was born from my guilt. It had been my fault that she was hurt in the first place. Sort of. If I had of been…well…attached to a leather harness with both our hands connected together with iron ropes, none of this would have happened. Okay…that was ridiculous. So every time I came up with a reason to believe it was my fault, I contradicted myself. Yes, a very sad sight. Courage prevailed and I unzipped the tent fly and stepped inside. She was laying down on her bed stretcher with her eyes closed and one hand drawn to side and bandaged. I looked around to get my bearings. A few first aid kits scattered around the place with a thermos blanket and Cindy's clothes bag. I placed a bright pink, glittering bag down on the ground next to her bed as her eyes began to flutter. She groaned and rubbed her eyes, surprised to see me.

"Squall" She croaked, attempting to sit up, "Didn't expect to see you so soon" She looked awfully tired. Her curly blonde hair was tied back into a loose braid, her casual uniform was crumpled and she had enormous purple bags under her eyes. But none of that mattered to me, I was just glad to see her. I nervously smiled back, suddenly loosing my ability to speak and looked around again to focus my eyes on something else. She noticed the bag and giggled.

"I didn't know you liked those types of things" She gestured towards the bag.

"No no, not me" I said quickly, finding my voice, and held my hands up in defence, "It's from Selphie, Quistis and Xu. Look" I reached inside and pulled out a yellow bunny doll. Its massively floppy ears lolled down in front of its face where two enormous plastic eyes had been glued and four extra long whiskers stuck out rather awkwardly from under its shiny black nose. She placed both her hands over her mouth, stifling her laughter as I pulled out a few more interesting objects from the bag. Chocolates, fluffy pens and 'get well' cards decorated with glitter. I placed them all on the ground in clear sight.

"It's the thought that counts" She managed to choke out, in between giggles.

"Sure is. I mean, if you're five and like all things pretty and very un-war like" I joked. She shook head smiling as I sat down beside the makeshift bed and looked up her, "So uh…how are you?"

She smiled again and leaned against the wall of the tent. "I should be able to get up and walk around today. Cos it's not like I have any serious injuries, believe it or not. Just scratches and bruises really. So I'm fine" She pulled back her sleeve to show a large purple and blue bruise that had spread up her arm. "It hurts a lot but I just stick on some of the medics 'magic cream' and it goes all numb-like"

I grinned, looking down at the first aid kit. "Good to here" I breathed a sigh and shifted my weight, trying to get more comfortable. The tent was becoming hotter by the minute even though the fly was open and a slight…hot…sweltering… 'breeze' could crawl its way in.

"What about you?"

"Me?" I looked surprised. "I'm fine, why?"

"Well I just figured that jumping down from twenty four feet and landing on a pile of rubble would…maybe do a little damage"

"Figures" I shrugged. "But no, I'm fine…actually for a moment I thought maybe I had sprained my wrist because it had been hurting for about three hours and I could hardly lift anything, except from a sword maybe, and it was red and blue…but nothing bad" I wiped my forehead with the back of my hand " I think I'm okay"

She pulled back her blanket and wriggled out into a sitting position. Obviously feeling some of the heat now. A trickle of sweat ran down the side of her face and she angrily wiped it away. "It's boiling in here" She growled.

"It's killing me" I added and lay back on the ground, resting my head on a bag.

"Squall…"

"Yeah?"

"What happens now? I mean, do we get in trouble?"

I glanced over at her. She was looking down at her bruised arm and slowly moving her fingers over it, cringing at every slightest form of pain.

"We'll fill out a report and then explain to Xu all the events that transpired and … that will be the end of it"

She nodded. "I was afraid they would blame you" She said quietly, taking her eyes off her arm to look at me. "I was worried"

"So was I. But it wouldn't matter. We both made it out of there okay"

This time our eyes met. "But I wouldn't have. Not if it hadn't been for you. Any other person would have called for help…grabbed Xu or someone close by. That would have taken too long and I would be dead by then and I don't think anyone would be brave enough to defend me from four angry Behemoths. You saved my life Squall…thank you" She broke our eye contact as a single tear began to roll down her cheek. I sat up and took her hand.

"Just doing what I wanted to"

* * *

3 Days Later

* * *

Trabia.

Snow, wind, ice, snow and a_ lot_ of snow. I could already feel my hands going numb as I stood watching Quistis and Xu flailing their arms and giggling as they chatted idly. I was completely rugged up, like worm in a blanket, as Selphie would quote. Yet I was _cold_. Very, extremely, mind tingling, ice worthy, frozen in a freezer, making new ringtones with my chattering teeth, being forced to stand in the winters fury, trying to -

"You're not cold are you?"

I turned, slowly, with my hands in my pockets while cringing as I realized moving would only increase the amount of cold air that circulated around me. I breathed in a deep white mist and forced a smile.

"Peachy" I forced.

With not the slightest acknowledgement of my comment, Cindy looked up the sky. She seemed calm and peaceful. After all, this was her home.

"I grew up here" She whispered, "Right from the age of three. It snows here for seven months of the year so I've been able to get used to it fairly well" She smiled, pulling a piece of loose hair behind her ears. "My parents would take me to the edge of the woods and let me play in the snow with my brothers. We would make snowmen and snow angels and sometimes even snowball the neighbors house. Most of the time it was just my parents and I. My brothers would mostly be out playing near the home…or stealing the neighbors sleigh-mobile" She laughed, bending down to pick up a handful of snow. "I remember once…they took me out with them when I was six and we walked up to the snow-lion caves. It was so cold … and scary too. All I could see were giant icicles leering down at me. I thought that at any moment they would break and come crashing down. Even though that was silly because they only melt during the spring" She broke her eye contact with the sky and turned to face me. "Did you play in the snow as a child?" She asked.

"No" I replied, stiffly, "Just at the beach. In the warmth…with the sun and the clear warm water and its nice tropical seasons" I shivered.

She laughed again. "It's a shame you don't like the cold. I think it's peaceful"

"Its not that I don't like it" I shrugged, "I just…kind of _hate _it"

"Oh Squall…" She rolled eyes smiling, "Get used to it" I was about to retaliate when a snowball hit me in the face. I rubbed the snow from my hair.

"You're in my country now" She joked. "No warm beaches here"

"Or tropical seasons" I grumbled.

"Sympathy to you all the way. Really"

I shook my head, with a slight hint of a smile tugging at the corner of my frozen lips. I unclasped my folded arms and waved them about at my side. Perhaps moving a little would warm me up. She watched me with fascination and giggled.

"If there is any technique you bloody Trabians use to keep your selves so giddy in these temperatures then please, do share"

She began walking toward me, dancing circles and decided to take on the challenge, gesturing with one hand.

"Well" She started, and placed a hand on her chin, " Try acting a little casual, almost as if there is _no snow _and just walk around in circles…while hoping on one leg, rubbing your tummy and patting your head…"

"Thanks for the help!" I laughed and bent down to pick up a ball of snow. I molded it into a perfect sphere, rounding it off by rubbing the excess snow away with my glove. I stood and held it up, admiring the way it glistened…until a lump of snow hit me in the face and I dropped it.

"Sorry, I couldn't resist"

I shrugged. "It's alright. It's not your fault…" In the flash of an eye, I scooped up a handful of snow and pelted in Cindy's direction. With a squeal she expertly dodged it and landed on her side.

"Take this!" She yelled and pegged another snowball at me, only to have it deflected by my arm.

"This means war Cindy. You killed my very first snowball"

The events that unfolded…turned out to be my very first snowball fight. It was just like the battlefield. Me and my opponent. Pitched against one another in the midst of the most unremarkable odds, to fight to a possible death, except I was laughing and she was laughing…and I was having fun. It reminded me of time at the orphanage when everyone would play in the water, splashing each other with mud and throwing shells. They would form teams and sometimes tie a colored ribbon around their head to signify the different sides. Selphie called it 'War'. I never played with them, not until Sis insisted that I have a go and I surprised myself because I remember being so happy and just not caring about anything but ditching a handful of dirt and twigs at Seifer for throwing a shell at the back of my head. I liked forgetting everything that was going wrong in my life. Like now. All I could focus on was the snow, my aim…and Cindy. The way she smiled when she dove into the snow for cover and the way she grabbed my shoulder pushed me down so she could smother snow all over my face and yell, "Victory!" I loved every moment of it. I felt different.

I felt like a kid.

She rolled off me and held her sides, laughing. I sat up and wiped my face, trying to attain some sort of warmth as I wrapped my arms around myself. Shivering seemed to help. Although I had to admit, so much activity had warmed me up and I could honestly say I was 'moderately cold'.

"Now _that _was fun. I never though unarmed combat could be so much fun!" She said, jumping to her feet and holding her hands over her head. "Don't you think?"

"Yeah" I too stood up, "It was fun. Thanks"

She stepped back a few paces, giggling, and bowed. "I am honored to have pleased you, your most humble great one"

I smiled and looked up to the sky. "Sure is clear tonight"

She moved beside me, taking her beanie off her head and ruffling the snow out of her hair. "Like always. Trabia has reasonably good weather all year round…well with the snow included, but you know what I mean"

"Snowy-ness isn't too bad"

She looked surprised, "Oh?"

"Don't be too shocked, I just kind of don't mind it so much anymore. Its fun. I mean if you minus the cold, wet, practically everywhere and dangerous part of snow …your left with something great"

"Squall I never though I'd hear you say such words. Beautifully spoken! And you are so terribly right, it is fun…" I looked down at her, at her face full of so much happiness. She was smiling so brightly that I couldn't help admire the way she looked so delicate with tiny white flakes of snow falling down around us. But she turned silent, a strange expression now taking over her face.

"What is it?" I asked, quietly.

"I just had an idea…is all"

"Well?"

"We're SeeD's right? We candle anything from a snowball fight to a collapsible Behemoth storage unit…so I just think maybe we could go for a little pounding session, you know?" She nudged me in the shoulder with her elbow and grinned.

"What? Beat each other up?"

"Of course not silly, cos you know I'd win. I mean maybe we could down to the forest and do a little monster hunting"

"What… now?"

"Of course! We're armed, and the only dangerous thing around this area is a blue dragon but even they don't come out until the middle of the Winter season"

"What season are we in now then?" I was shocked. If it wasn't winter now then…I'd hate to think what 'Winter' would actually be like!

"We're still in Autumn and Winter starts next week. Please, can we just go down there for a couple of hours…please? Nothing bad will happen because we've both been in there before and nothing bad ever happens to us…except for what happened a few days ago…but that was purely coincidence!"

I frowned, taking off my beanie to shake the excess snow off it. "I don't know Cindy. Shouldn't we go and let the others know where we are?"

"We could, but the walk back is around about an hour since the ground is so heavily trodden with snow now and by the time we get back here…we'll only have fifteen minutes to kill anything because it takes a while to actually walk to the forest and the wind will pick up in about three or so hours and-"

"- Okay! I get it, we can go but if anything goes wrong…you're buying milkshakes for the next three weeks"

"Yipee!"

Being around Cindy changed something in me. It made me drop my ethics and my morals…I became different…I let things go and I didn't care as much as I would. The military demeanor I had spent so long building up just slipped away.

I know it was wrong. I know I shouldn't have let her take me down there. I shouldn't have allowed it. It was all just so wrong. I was a SeeD Commander and I let something so reckless just pass me by. Heck, we both were. Maybe it was the feeling of the winter snow or the magic of the evening…maybe I had a brain freeze. But I should never have let it happen.

**_Author's Scribbles: _**_You as readers / reviewers deserve so much more than my horrid lack of updating. I'm so terribly sorry. I'm balancing the weights as time goes by but now I am heading into the Christmas holidays (lasting nine weeks!) and thus I will have much more writing time. Sorry to disappoint you 'Pretty Like Drugs' and yes, I agree 'silver-nex' I like Tim as well! He's mine, all mine! Muahah!_

_Merry Christmas everyone! (Poem at the start credited to Shakespeare)_


	16. Chapter XVI

_**Chance Or Choice – Chapter XVI**_

_"I can't see the stars anymore, living here  
Let's go to the hills where the outlines are clear  
Bring on the wonder  
We got it all wrong  
I pushed you down deep in my soul for too long"_

- Bring on the Wonder, Susan Enan

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I remember the first time I faced a Blue Dragon. I remember it through the thick haze of doubt in my mind, left by the constant use of Guardian Forces. I remember it even though it's been repressed by my mind, and I remember it just as clearly as..

It was night. It was cold. I was twelve.

I was just a simple cadet back then. Depressingly quiet and never amused, as Quistis would put it. We were traveling with a few other SeeD's in the Trabian wilderness on a land search mission. Two Trabian recon soldiers had gone missing and Garden had been asked to look for them. So Cid sent out a team, with a few young cadets attached. It was our first away mission, from Balamb. Our first exposure to dangerous creatures that did more than spray acid in your face.

_... the way you looked at me. Like you would never see me again._

Zell was in my team. So was Quistis. The three of us were huddled together by a fallen tree, it's branches acting like a small ice cavern, sucking the heat from our bodies. I could barely see the four SeeD cadets in front of us, trying to contact Garden or Trabia. We were lost and had no idea how to get home. The frozen Trabian forest would become our grave. I wasn't scared; I knew that the cold had a soothing effect once it sapped enough of your strength from you. From then on it was like falling into a cold sleep, until you died. I was looking on the bright side; at least we weren't getting mauled to death by Snow Lions. Zell was crying. Quistis wasn't doing anything. She had tried to comfort him but, maybe she realized how hopeless it all was. Maybe she knew she was going to die.  
I personally wouldn't like my last moment to consist of comforting a crying child. Well, back then I didn't.

It had come slowly, as if all this time it had been watching like an amused cat following it's prey. It came from the undergrowth, sliding towards us. Snow lifted up under it's wings like dust, sprinkling the air. Bright blue skin drifted out of the unknown darkness, the sparkling ice shimmering with every beat of it's wings. It's long and slender neck arched like a swan as it bared it's razor sharp teeth at us. It would have looked beautiful.

If it wasn't there to kill us.

A cloud of red followed, spraying all over the snow, staining it. The trees around us took on a more deadly appeal. Their sinister branches dripped with blood. The dead SeeD cadet dropped to ground, his hands still trying to hold his intestines inside his body. I had reached for my Gunblade then, and Quistis was already standing, whip by her side, determination on her face.

That night the three of us had killed a Blue Dragon. We had stood alone, facing off against the deadliest creature we had ever seen, in a place we didn't belong. With death literally staring us in faces - we had survived to see our home again. It wasn't the fact that we had killed it, not really, it was the fact that survived at all. When all the odds were against us, we lived. It was one of those rare occasions where we would look at each other from across the room, or across a classroom or a quad – and know what each other were feeling. We could understand the hidden message. The change.

Was it our value of life in general? Did our disposition on life and death change that night?

Cindy groaned and rolled her head back. Her beanie slid off her head her hair tumbled out onto the snow. She hadn't moved in nearly an hour. I was beginning to feel scared for her. On the outside it just seemed as she had broken a few ribs and broken an arm but … how could I be sure? I couldn't. I lifted her head so I could see her better and reached out to put the beanie back on. Her eyes snapped open.

"It's okay", she whispered. I stopped, frozen. An awkward expression on my face. Her eyes was extremely bright all of a sudden.

"What is ... the beanie?"

"No silly, this - everything. It's okay."

I let my arm drop and casually wrapped it around her. She wasn't shivering anymore, thankfully so I curiously laid my head upon her chest to listen to her heartbeat. It was stronger than the last time I checked. A good sign. I felt her body move as she chuckled.

"You did all this so you get close to my chest didn't you?"

I could feel my cheeks burning, even in the blistering cold, as I instantly sat up and looked away. Habit nearly forced my to defend myself but I couldn't hide my smile as I folded my arms.

"You're impossible..." I whispered. She laughed and then stopped suddenly when it hurt too much. I faced her once again, worried all over again.

"What do you mean; it's all going to be okay? Did you suddenly have an epiphany while you were laying there or did you realize where you buried a radio all those years ago?" I asked her.

She smiled again and tried to wriggle an arm out of the many layers I had wrapped around her. I felt my self warming just by seeing her smile like that again. Like she used to before we came out here. Carefully I helped her sit up and let her arms loose. Her broken arm rested uselessly over her midsection. She took in a few icy breaths and relaxed against a fallen tree log. I let my eyes wander down to her side and placed my hand over where her rib was cracked and watched her eyes water as I pressed down slightly.

"It's really swollen." I said, trying not to sound too negative. She grinned through the tears and slowly placed her own hand over mine.

"It hurts," she said, "But I'll be alright. We've been trained to deal with a lot worse, remember? This is nothing compared to everything else. It's nothing compared to..." She stopped as a sharp pain made her draw in a deep breath and she squeeze my hand tightly. I moved closer to her and took both of her hands in mine. Her eyes were clenched shut.  
"Nothing compared to what we've both gone through." I finished for her, nodding slightly. She relaxed a little, but kept her eyes closed.

"I'm just saying ... we'll get out of here. Miracles still happen Mr. Leonhart. We can survive this."

"I suppose so ..." I sighed. "I'm just worried about you. I can't tell if there's anything else wrong with you unless we get back to the garden. I'm afraid to carry you there incase I end up hurting you - and besides, I'm too weak to do even that much."

She whispered her agreement and then slowly looked up at the pitch black sky. Tiny snowflakes were falling down from the infinite black abyss. They were like large white dust particles, swirling softly with the breeze.

"Squall," she started, "I need to ask you something."

"What is it?"

"Do you still love her?"

I blinked. What? Rinoa?

"I...uh," I stumbled with my words, "I guess I ... don't really ... yes. I do. I really think I do." I shifted my weight and balled a lump of snow in my hand. "She was a really large part of my life, in the short amount of time she was here. So I can't really ... stop loving someone who was able to love me like she did."

It was true. Every time I thought about the word 'Rinoa' and the person behind it, a flood of emotions surged through me like a tidal wave. I couldn't deny that I still loved her. We had been through too much together.

Cindy nodded slowly and blinked her eyes a few times. They looked watery. I placed a hand on her shoulder and gently shook her. She finally looked at me. It wasn't the smile like before and it wasn't a look of pain. This time it was something else and I honestly couldn't pin point it.

"Why?" I asked her.

She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. The white mist from her breath whirled around her for a moment and then disappeared.

"Because I needed to know ... where I stood, I guess."

"Where you stood?"

She looked down at my hand resting on her shoulder and traced it up my arm until finally looking me in the eyes again.

"Where I stand with you. I think I'm in love with you Squall - and that scares me."

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It was almost as if she had never left. Well – almost.

Her and Squall's little shared house in Balamb still smelt the same, looked the same and felt the same. Her key still even fit the lock, she noted. A part of her had thought he would have changed the locks on her.

She placed her bag and coat down on the couch and slowly wandered around the living room, lightly touching the surfaces of every object with the tips of her fingers. It felt good to be back. Back to familiarity. Back home. Simple things like a shade lamp and a small blue pen sitting on the wooden stand by the T.V; made her smile. Even the feel of the carpet on her feet was lovely.

It was a few minutes however, before she noticed the bookshelves. All empty. Save for a few SeeD manuals. What had he done with them? Some of them had been hers…

It was no matter. It wasn't an issue. So a few books were missing, that didn't mean –

Her foot stepped on something that squeaked and she jumped back suddenly, alarmed by not only the strange noise but by the feel of it. She looked down and saw that it was a toy. A little plastic, blue octopus that squeaked when pressed down. She bent down and picked it up. What would a child's toy be doing here? She carefully placed on the kitchen counter, as if it were some foreign object – poisonous to the touch.

It was amazing to be home… but was actually her home anymore?

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_Author's Note:_ Amazing. Three years – and I've updated. I bet none of my old reviewers would have seen this coming, hmm?

I don't write Fan fiction anymore – but I just couldn't leave this one alone. It was so much fun to write back then and I want to do it some justice by finishing it. Mind you, it's going to be an uphill struggle … but we'll get there.  I plan on editing some previous chapters as my grammar back then was just, well, appalling. I was cringing a few times as I read back over the chapters.

If you're an old reviewer – I thank you for taking the time to read this new chapter, which is so grossly overdue.

If you're new to this – have faith! I will update a little more regularly than _three years_.

Till then, thank you and adieu!


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